Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, bad-tempered nonentities! How is everything in the private universe of raging rambunctious? Do you still have the pink cheeks, the appalling juvenile freckles and that odious thatch of carrot-coloured hair? Good! At least you don't get acne like the scorpions, a midriff and a short neck like the bulls or run around with that dreadful damp look like the Pisceans. Thus, we are all of us reassured that everything in this benighted playground for the insane deities is as appalling, tasteless and ugly as it always has been.
You have a reputation for action and fearsome courage, little denizens of the red planet, that is until you fall over and bump your head, then run home crying. Well, you'll need that legendary courage to face the month of noxious November! I, Asperitus, am here to sound the clarion call. Step up to the mark, little ram things! The bitter truth awaits you!
You crash into the FULL MOON (as you crash into most things) in the sign of Taurus and your solar second house on November 1st. You're beset by financial problems, yet the air rings with the scent of sexual passion, secrecy and betrayal. Thus it is that you ignore the money matters (how unusual!), opting instead to initiate the neophyte Lambs of the Goddess (the cult you've created to avenge the global plight of sheep) by granting them your sexual favours (how kind and how unexpected!). As sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward and underworld Pluto wrestle in the Heavens, Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess travel through Libra and your solar seventh house of partnership while the great Sol Invicti adds a little unpleasantness from the odious depths of the sign of Scorpio. So, you betray your recently acquired spouse in the first month (a record for longevity really as it's normally in the first week), as you attempt to get various partners to shut up during sex (unless they're praising your prowess). Meanwhile, aggrieved persons, elderly, foreign and powerfully placed send you their bills, final notices and death threats. But this is you! Enjoying sexual congress! How dare they interrupt!
As mighty Mars conjoins with nebulous Neptune, the combination of ecstatic (at least, as far as you're concerned) sex and odoriferous dung reduces you to unconsciousness. When Mercury the messenger enters Scorpio and your solar eighth house, you cast aside the used carcasses of your spent lovers. Perhaps you've actually killed some of them with your turbo-charged concupiscence. Heavens! How powerful you are! Or perhaps they're just feigning death in order to escape your lascivious clutches. Who can tell! Certainly not you, you self-involved little cretins! Anyway, as I was saying, you cast aside the carcasses of your spent lovers and begin to contemplate your anus (Mercury in Scorpio). Then, as Venus the goddess enters Scorpio, you ask someone else to contemplate your anus for you, as it's far too tiring to do it yourself. By this time you're too stoned too notice that no one is actually interested in doing so (there is perhaps a tiny island of sanity left in the oceans of madness that flood this world).
A series of aspects too annoying to describe involving the tedious signs of Scorpio and Aquarius (as well as a few equally uninteresting planets) bring you to the NEW MOON in Scorpio and your solar eighth house. Here, you realize that you are the reincarnation of a sixteenth century witch, burned alive by a group of enraged tax collectors that you'd cursed with a variety of spasmodic disorders. Mercury squares revolutionary Uranus and your mind is awash with these startling realizations. Venus the goddess squares mighty Mars and you decide to reinitiate the neophytes, as you're bored and looking for diversion. But then the great Sol Invicti moves into Sagittarius and you decide you to do something about this quest to avenge the sheep (finally).
As Mercury moves into Sagittarius and your solar ninth house while mighty Mars, Venus the goddess and revolutionary Uranus all make ructions, anxious messages flow back from overseas. The operatives you've sent there on their secret missions want to know what they should do, rambunctious ones! God that's torn it! You'll have to think of a plan! Return next month and see how a whole new experience (thinking) affects you. I shudder at the prospect and so may the world at large. Hand me a cold compress! I retire.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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