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Greetings, you water-soaked crustaceans! You stand on the verge of a new era in your emotion-soaked lives. You of the hard shell, soft underbelly and snappy little claws are coming into your spiritual awakening. For this uplifting odyssey, you'll need to spend a lot more time sleeping as well as waking up in a spiritual sense, so it's something in the nature of a double bonus. Of course there is a price to be paid involving loss of health, sanity and income, but these costs are small potatoes really when viewed in balance with the onset of enlightenment and a few extra hours of shut-eye on a daily basis. A gathering of the powers of Heaven in the sign of Gemini and your solar twelfth house is the stimulus for these delightful developments, Saturn, lord of fateful reward being foremost among the gatherers, but more of that later.
Walpurgis Eve heralds the beginning of the merry month of May. This night of ghosties, ghoulies and demons sees the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger in the sign of Taurus and your solar eleventh house. So, you'll be hanging around with all of your boring useless friends doing the same old things you've always done because not one of you can come up with a new and interesting idea that you have the guts to put into practice. No doubt there'll be valuable and insightful discussions. These will include such topics as your nervousness about foreign powers and the reinstitution of the stocks. This latter is a mediaeval form of punishment, not the stuff your share-broker deals in. You quite rightly regard them as a correct and proper means in dealing with the breakdown of law and order that threaten the sanctity of your home.
May 6th signals a change when Mercury the messenger moves on into the sign of Gemini and your solar twelfth house, crossing sober Saturn almost immediately. This may well represent the first phase of your coming enlightenment. You will begin to hear voices from the beyond, spirits of the dead and the wandering elementals who take something of a passing interest on the peculiar doings and eccentricities of the human race. Either that or your useless siblings will ring up and whine on for ages about how they've just lost their job, how they've had a tragic affair with a university lecturer or how much they hate your father/mother and how you're really so much like him/her. I'd opt for the spirit world if there seems to be a choice.
The FULL MOON comes on May 7th in the sign of Scorpio and your solar fifth house. You'll discover that one of your children is involved with drug-dealing, prostitution or has been picked up by the police for urinating in the artificial pond at the casino while in an inebriated state. All of your fascist friends will demand to know what penalty you expect the law courts to inflict, but you'll immediately upset them by saying your right wing ideas never apply to members of your family. However you'll salve the situation by promising to thrash the miscreant with some barbed wire left over from putting up the security fence that protects the sanctity of your home.
May 12th sees Mars the warrior in Sagittarius move into retrograde (reverse) motion in your solar sixth house of work and health. You'll probably get food poisoning from eating in a foreign restaurant or have a fearsome row with one of the 'new age' tree-huggers you're forced to work with. The consequences of either of these will go on for three months or so, but who cares! When the great Sol Invicti moves into Gemini and your solar twelfth house on May 21st, the sense of the unreality of your world and all that it holds will increase dramatically. This will bring about behavioural aberrations such as talking to yourself and telling everyone how you can see the auras of small animals. Such things will cause the useless siblings to ring each other up and speculate as to whether you're losing your mind and if they should try to get power of attorney so they can get their hands on your money. After all, you are a stingy old bastard and you only ever lend money if it helps you to feel powerful and look down on others.
When the NEW MOON comes on May 23rd, both the solar and lunar orbs are intent upon a meeting with sober Saturn. A spirit teacher will manifest before your eyes and promise to explain all the great mysteries of the universe like why you're here (we've been wondering about that) and the true meaning of the number 42. Have an early night, little crabs!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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