Astrology on the Web - Crabby Cancer in 2005

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The Sublime Irritations of a Spooky 2005
CRABBY CANCER...

Great Caesar's ghost, my minuscule seafood portions! The hills are alive with the sound of prognostication. And your ears will ring with the vile beat of it until your delicate nervous system can stand no more. But still the vile ringing will continue. If you discover this is your phone, kindly answer it at once. Especially if it's an unspeakable cell phone with an odious 'retro' ring tone! If not then feast your eyes here on your grim future for the coming year, transcribed for your delectation by the fair hand of the sublime one, myself! Asperitus! Oracle of bitter truth!

Insufferable planets congregate in silly Sagittarius and your solar sixth house as the year begins. Thus will you have a generous opportunity to moan about work and health (as usual) during the course of 2005. You will have cordial relations (and sex) with co-workers. Such relations may develop unexpected obsessive tendencies, causing you to pay off the disgruntled and thus see the back of them for other reasons altogether. You will have altercations with foreigners over business matters and spend much time in endless discussions that will seem to get nowhere. As cranky Chiron moves to idiot Aquarius and your solar eighth house in February, you may consult a sex therapist or become one. You may study the sciences or undertake shamanic healing to retrieve the soul you have lost while miserable Saturn is in your sign. You may pay for sex and ask for change. You may decide money and the spiritual life are incompatible and give everything you have to the poor. You will then go to live in a hot climate to cultivate orchids or fruit trees. Or, you may live in a cold climate and manufacture frozen foods to send to poor countries for the good of humanity. You may simply spend lots of money and have lots of sex in the hope of feeling better.

THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the giant one in Libra and your solar fourth house as the year begins, you or your family will live beyond your means or have foreign guests or academics stay in your home. When jolly Jupiter moves to Scorpio and your solar fifth house at the end of October, you will live for pleasure and have lots of sex while wasting money gambling and overeating. Your children will behave hideously. All your friends will turn against you in this period and you will not be able to do what you want. You will then write a fascinating film script on the occult or win a fortune by chance, just when it seems you have lost everything. All the friends who turned against you will now want to be your friends again (because of the money) but you will take satisfaction in telling them where precisely to stick their friendship. You will triumph through investment or speculation.

THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: As the grim one begins the year in your sign, you will be miserable and depressed as usual. This will be because you have no one and work too hard. Or it will be because you hate your family and must work too hard to support them. Or it will be because you're a lonely and miserable old coot by nature and having Saturn in your sign has just highlighted the problem. In July, when Saturn moves to Leo and your solar second house, you will be so relieved that you will spend a lot of money buying beautiful things and have to go back to working too hard to make enough to pay for them.

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CRABBY CANCER...