Great shivering shellfish, tiny seafood morsels, you've arrived in time to sample a prophetic aperitif before sinking your choppers into the vile and bitters of a mains, peppery and pan fried in fiery sauce, with yours truly, chef Asperitus, wielding the spatula. So, great gosh and galoshes, little twerps, we'd best get on without fuss, further ado or attacks of interminable rambling.
The inception (eek) of this tragic tale (your life) is rooted in the unpleasant grappling of dark Pluto, the lord of the underworld in the nasty little sign of the Goat and ghastly Saturn, depressing the scales of eternal balance in loathsome Libra. Ugh! Thus, your home and family life will erupt in fateful or dramatic events, as tension rises over the ownership of bath toys, the quantities of milk used with egg custard or breakfast cereals and the proper coordination of the colours of bath towels, face washers and dressing gowns.
Great gods alive and dead, nitwits of the nipper, that list does not include discussion of the menu or the guest list for Christmas dinner or the budget for the presents. How much more intense can things get, especially as you're so much in need of a new rubber duckie for the bath and a hot water bottle with the 'Al the Alligator' cover, hand-knitted!
And what's this? Lawks a mercy, but it's dastardly December and marauding Mars slams into reverse gear in lackwit Leo, playing havoc with your spending as you're given the wrong change in shops, lose coins through a hole in the pocket or argue with angry males or dramatic persons over spending. Frustration grows, little crab type thingies, and as New Year's Eve brings a Lunar Eclipse in your sign, you disappear completely. Eek! How mysterious! As mischievous Mercury is in perverse reverse in your house of partners, New Year 2010 rolls in as those close to you wander about, calling your name, sniggering and wondering where you've gone.
With a Solar Eclipse in your house of partners in Jittery January, you magically reappear to find those close to you are vanished themselves. As jolly Jupiter slithers into pathetic Pisces, you travel to a foreign land, appear in court, go drinking with your old academic buddies or just tell awful jokes and talk a lot. Narcotic Neptune and cranky Chiron lustfully and perversely conjoin in idiot Aquarius and you engage in sexual practices so vile that even I do not know the names of them. You may or may not be in company at the time.
So it goes, month after dreary month and we come to awful April where, with gloomy Saturn returned to vexatious Virgo, your car breaks down or you lose your phone. Nasty little Mars is now in forward motion so the dollars are improved but, as nasty little Mercury reverses in tragic Taurus, you'll argue with friends or sprain your wrist or ankle playing squash or tiddly-winks.
From here, there'll be rude eruptions, farting noises or astounding developments for the merry month of May brings Uranus, idiot god to addlepate Aries while jolly Jupiter follows suit in jaded June. Fission point or meltdown comes as a slaphappy Solstice rams the Sun into your sign in a welter of eclipses in among a vast array of planets farting in nasty aspect. You'll think of something brilliant to resurrect your failing career, such as reinventing the redhead match, making a radical chilli and chocolate breakfast cereal or selling strange devices that electrocute the buyer for fun (briefly for them) and profit (for you).
As I am fatigued and in the grip of terminal ennui, I leave you suspended on the brink of what on the one hand may be a new and exciting era or on the other may be more boring cosmic codswallop. For the nonce, little crabby types, ave!