Hola, my nitwit items of seafood! I know what you're thinking! Even now you sit on tenterhooks before the screen, agonizing over the click of a mouse, wondering if the miseries of 2003 will continue in the coming year! So, let's make no bones about it. They do!
It is not my task to spare the unworthy, nor even the worthy were any such to be found! It is misery unchained in the house of 'hard shell'! Here then are the vile and bitter prognostications for the road that lies ahead of your nasty nippers, little sideways walkers! Read them and weep an ocean of tears!
With lugubrious Saturn in your sign as the year begins, doubtless you will spend much time alone, bewailing your miserable fate as you watch health decline and fortunes dwindle. Responsibilities will fall into your open hands but, in the end, slip from your nerveless fingers as you wonder when the end of all this will come. Mischievous Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius and your solar sixth house of work and health makes co-workers unreliable, inclined to mutter in foreign languages and argue the point over religion or politics.
Cranky Chiron in miserable Capricorn and your solar seventh house brings high tension with partners. If you're not visiting the therapist yourself then you'll be paying for someone else to, if only to get them out of your hair for a time. With marauding Mars in arrogant Aries and your solar tenth house, you set out on a dozen new paths only to blocked at every turn. Angry surgeons vent their wrath upon you. Belligerent brewers come to your home and demand you pay your outstanding liquor bills. And, to cap it all off, you make things worse by offering them a drink and then deducting the cost of what they've drunk from monies owed.
As vamping Venus conjoins unhealthily with nasty Neptune in idiot Aquarius and your solar eighth house, you spend further capital on 'get rich quick' schemes only to go further down the gurgler. Either that or you'll try to relieve tension and alleviate the misery by spending a fortune at massage parlours and houses of ill-repute.
But wait, little seafood miseries, what's this? Jolly Jupiter is in Virgo and your solar third house. Great gods alive and dead, you're going to do something marvellous to get yourself out of trouble, I can tell. Of course, it's an incredibly boring and useful thing and not at all creative as you'd prefer. You may invent a new kind of bus ticket or write a technical manual on how to pack and ship nuts for overseas freight. You may even write a self-help book, something that may bring a smile to the world-weary eyes of us here in Heaven, or at least those of us here who still take an interest in your inane and futile existence.
Anyway, that's enough encouragement for one day. Suffice it to say you make a fortune from doing something useful and, as jolly Jupiter moves into Libra and your solar fourth house, you buy a huge mansion and people it with servants who agree with everything you say and do everything you ask. You also have a cottage out the back where you can house all the members of your family you hate but feel obliged to care for because of the nitwit nature of your sign. Nonetheless, you employ locks and barbed wire to keep them at a safe distance.
Yikes and double yikes, my little ninnies! All but one of your miseries has finally passed, and that one is the misery of being you, a burden not even jolly Jupiter can lift from your bowed and burdened shoulders. Ah well, there's always one, isn't there! Until we meet again!