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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of February 2004    Go Forward
    Salutations, seafood miseries! Welcome to the month of fearful February! Last time we left you on the brink of hearing the voices of the ancient gods as you and the mass of frothing and chanting vodun worshippers gathered to see how a religious rift may be healed.

    My advice of course would be to adopt the model of the more familiar religious institutions and kill the opposition by burning, hanging or stoning them or, indeed, all three. What's worked in the past is best for the future, but that's only one man's opinion!

    The drums cease their pounding! The lips of the stone idols quiver. The masses quaver. The voices of the ancient ones resound as if from a long creaking corridor that leads back into the dim, dark depths of forgotten ages. You and all those assembled are felled, deafened by the raw impact of these words from the beyond the rim of the world.

    'Buy!' they say. 'Buy!'

    'Buy what?' you dazedly reply, holding a handkerchief to your bleeding ears.

    'Buy I can't believe it's not chicken and then you shall see!' The crowd disperses and reassembles at the local store, brandishing their credit cards and demanding said product.

    As the Full Moon comes in fatuous Leo, you rise from the ground, shaking. You realize this is not a vodun cult at all. It's a marketing scam to sell product. Furious, you confront the high priest (to whom you're now engaged) and demand to know why you haven't been let in on this, as there's money to be made. After a brief screaming row in the manner of engaged couples from time immemorial, you work out the basics of an investment deal and get down to marketing strategies. Now you've seen the light, you're not content with a little local industry. Marauding Mars and sober Saturn harmonize and you're dreaming of a global cult and franchises for both product and restaurants. You're dreaming wild dreams, little seafood nitwits. But why not! After all, everything else you do is so conservative.

    The New Moon in tear-stained Pisces, conjoined with idiot Uranus sees you set in motion a promotional campaign to globalize the I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT CHICKEN Church of Vodun. You'll need premises, ministers, drums! A branch in every country in the world and a logo of the speaking stones to advertise the goods! This could be big! And by my little brown bottle, it will be! Click here next month to read about success beyond your wildest dreams. And of course the tragic failure that is sure to follow soon after!

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