Hola to you, little crustacean persons, men and women both! How goes it, at swim in the sea of imaginary woes, genuine worries and odious relations? Difficult as ever, I trust! Now, last time, we left you somewhat dejected and looking for something to believe in. A great titter was heard in Heaven as that one did the rounds, I can tell you. No hope on there! Still, I suppose I should make an effort on your behalf this month, even if it’s doomed to failure!
So, little crab type things! Let us put aside the pleasantries and get down to business! This is the month of manic May and these are the vile and bitter prognostications thereof! Mischievous Mercury moves forward, so you run around, telling everyone how disillusioned you are with the spiritual search. Then comes the Full Moon in unspeakable Scorpio, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar fifth house and life seems to hold no joy, pleasure or romance at all. The great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune and friends you’ve been ear-bashing become incredibly bored with your ranting and make excuses about having to go so they can make money or wax their legs or dial the automated Swedish Football results rather than listen to you.
As jolly Jupiter moves direct, you find yourself wandering the streets, declaiming against spiritual fraud. When marauding Mars then moves into your sign, you get into an altercation with a passerby who objects to what you say. Vamping Venus turns retrograde in idiot Gemini and you take refuge in a bus shelter in order to avoid further conflict.
Come the New Moon in cloddish Taurus, you decide you will have to do something practical and useful to serve humankind in order to know what it is in which you can truly believe. As the great Sol Invicti then moves into Gemini, you vow to retreat from the world to meditate and find your true purpose through useful work. You move instantly to another bus shelter on the edge of a park in order to pursue this more contemplative path. There you take out your Swiss Army Knife and begin whittling the twigs you find on the ground. Idly, you begin to carve a clothes peg in the shape of a sacred icon.
And, by my little brown bottle, that’s when inspiration strikes, just as the great Sol Invicti clashes with idiot Uranus. This will be your sacred mission in life! And, by all the gods alive and dead, there may be money to be made as well! You’ll carve religious images in the form of clothes pegs so that others may keep close to them in the ordinary everyday matters the very image of the faith to which they aspire. The mass of common folk will be able to peg out their socks with Jesus or their knickers with the Madonna and Child. The Buddha himself may hang their shirts to dry and perhaps Krishna in his juggernaut could support the sheets and pillowcases of lesser beings. You can make them yourself at first, then hire minions to begin mass production when the time is right! This will bring the faithful back to the good old-fashioned ways of laundry so there may be a sideline in washing baskets and clotheslines.
Great gods alive and dead, this is the fulfilment of jolly Jupiter in the unspeakable sign of Virgo and your solar third house if I ever heard it. ‘Faith of our Fathers, Holy Faith’ you sing as you go over your accounts to set the financial wheels in motion while vamping Venus in reverse motion clashes once again with underworld Pluto. Religious washing and the holy clothes peg! These are the paths to wealth for you. By my little brown bottle, I’m feeling unwell and must rest. Click here next month and see if I can write in more of this drivel!