- Ho to you, little seafood nonentities! Last month, we left you in the lonely place of such mightiness and radiant misery as comes to those who bear the burden of the execrable god of old age, sickness and death in their own miserable sign. I speak, as you will know, of Saturn. Shudder as you read his name! As odious October ended, the fire burned low. You scratched the neck of a favoured hound. You prepared yourself to extract rude pleasure from a well-scrubbed underling as the screams of those experiencing right and proper chastisement issued from the cellar of your island keep, rising like the errant cries of a night bird. It may seem as if no prognostication could be viler or indeed as bitter as those heard up until this time. Yea, my seafood ninnies! For what thing is viler than the smell of pleasure turned sour on the tongue?
Perhaps I will prognosticate and you shall come to see what things are worse than those described so far! Oh indeed you shall, nitwit crabby things! Vamping Venus conjoins with jolly Jupiter and you purchase new and wonderful bath toys (to play with in the bath) as profits from the pegs of devotion and despite rise beyond all comprehension. Mischievous Mercury enters loony Sagittarius and moving lectures on the various philosophies of suffering and pain are delivered to the workers, to keep them in good cheer as they slave to gratify your every neurotic wish. The great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune and the masks you have put in place to maintain the guru of the simple life and the Rasputin of the rinse cycle in their war of light and dark hold firm. They will not be stripped away to reveal the awful truth of the falseness and deception beneath that is your own.
Mischievous Mercury clashes with idiot Uranus as marauding Mars wrestles with sober Saturn and you place fictitious death notices on the internet so that anxious friends and relatives will not come seeking their imprisoned loved ones and thus distract them from their work. Miserable Saturn turns retrograde in your sign and you become more miserable and depressing than usual. Marauding Mars enters gloomy Scorpio as the New Moon comes in the dread sign of the lord of the anus and the tortures you inflict grow beyond all boundaries of reason until you find yourself hiring extra staff in order to increase the numbers of potential recalcitrants to punish.
Ye gods and little fishes! How uneconomical! How extravagant! What has come over you, my little crab type things! Vamping Venus clashes with cranky Chiron and miserable Saturn and you hire nursing staff to tend the wounds of workers and family to ensure they do not take too long recuperating after punishment and thus may resume their work all the sooner. Ah! This marks a return to sound economic practice!
Mischievous Mercury then conjoins with underworld Pluto and you hire overseers to apply the lash in a kind of mediaeval efficiency drive. You even film the process and publish the pictures on the internet on a subscription site for those not inclined towards the modern approach to labour relations. Thus we leave you as we found you, with the embers of a dying fire in the gathering gloom, fondling the neck of a favoured hound and idly watching as an underling is prepared for your further delectation.
But what's this! Great gods alive and dead, it's something uncanny! And that's for sure, my little seafood imbeciles! A Full Moon comes in lunatic Gemini and your solar twelfth house and a phantom appears at your fireside! Eek! You're scared of ghosts, if I remember right! What can this outré being want? You begin to worry, wringing your hands anxiously and crying for your servants. Perhaps it's the ghost of Christmas past! After all, Christmas seems to come earlier each year!
I'll have to stop now. I'm feeling unwell! The staff here in Heaven tell me I must take my rest, the kind that comes from the little brown bottle and the silver tube. If I'm awake in time, I will write more drivel of this kind next month. Click here then and discover what the spectre does expect! Farewell, crustacean ninnies!