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    Go Back  The Sublime Irritations of February 2005  Go Forward
    Great elephants and dancing monkeys! It's time to sink the psychic slipper into your soft underbelly, my cretinous creatures! Attend me as I crack your hard shell with the blunt instrument of my vile and bitter prognostications, powered by the fractious forces of fearful February.

    Last time, we left you baring your crustacean bosom to an entranced family group, as you told the tales of grinding poverty and hideous hardship that were born in the horror of your childhood (gods bless its happy days and meals of boiled bark). At the time, you felt unburdened, liberated and even healed of some ancient wounds. Now, as the month begins, you look up from these frank and brutal revelations, smiling in an uncharacteristic and therefore disturbing manner, only to discover your entranced family is actually fast asleep, probably from boredom, due to your interminable garrulousness. You speak gruffly. They do not respond. Only the rhythm of their stertorous breathing fills the air.

    As marauding Mars batters his way into Capricorn and your solar seventh house, you lean forward to tap them, in a tender and nurturing manner, back to wakefulness. This too proves ineffective. Come the New Moon in idiot Aquarius, a startling realization strikes you from out of the blue. You've put them into a trance, my tiny nitwits of the nipper! They lie there, open-mouthed (ugh) and deeper in the realms of Morphia than any mortal has a right to be. Egad, my cranky crabs! Do you know what this means? You have hypnotized them! For the first time in your long and wretched life, you have your family under your complete control. You say 'stand' and they 'stand'. You say 'sit' and they 'sit'. You shriek with girlish glee and try more tricks with them. They praise you on instruction and fall silent in accordance with your slightest wish. You have them do every tedious household job you can think of, including making your bed as well as theirs. They execute these without complaint.

    Marauding Mars harmonizes with Uranus, the idiot god. Mischievous Mercury moves to snivelling Pisces. Thus you are struck by a further brilliant idea. You will become a master hypnotist and make a new career for yourself by controlling the minds and wills of others. The great Sol Invicti moves to Pisces and you borrow books from the library and go online to study this new art. And then, my foolish crab type things, the guns of Heaven open fire, sending salvo after salvo to wreak havoc in your wretched life. Cranky Chiron enters idiot Aquarius and your solar eighth house. Suddenly, you find yourself obsessed with this art of hypnotism. You begin to wonder if you could use it to have all the sex and money that you want. Thus, you think, would the wounds of deprivation in childhood (god bless its barbed wire fences and stentorian shouting) finally be healed. You could even make your family levitate! What do you think? Then you could order them to carry you around and that way you'd be levitating too!

    The Full Moon comes in odious Virgo and you begin to form a master plan. You have your family of automatons ring the in-laws and all of the distant cousins overseas, instructing them to say just what a wonderful creature you are and urge them one and all to send you beautiful presents and a money. You impart by means of your consummate skill with the hypnotic arts, the mesmeric power you have into the voices of those who obey you. Thus do you hypnotize the hypnotized to hypnotize the unwary into being hypnotized!

    Eek! How twisted! And, what's more, the plan works! As vamping Venus wings her way to snivelling Pisces, you wing your way to foreign climes, to have wild Mediterranean sex and sponge off your in-laws. But answer me this, my little Svengali of the seashore! Should you not use these recently awakened powers for good? Did you not learn the lessons of the pegs of despite? What doom may come to those who only seek to feather their own crabby little nests? Click here next month and see!

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