- Great gods alive and dead, my indigent imbeciles! I shall have to speak with you in language you understand. What a frightful prospect! And yet I shall essay the attempt with all the ennui I can muster! And a great amount it is too! You see! I carry extra in my breast pocket, along with my little brown bottle, just in case of an 'ennui' emergency, something that happens with monotonous regularity in a benighted world ruled by insane gods! I make the supreme effort (speaking with you and indeed the other odious eleven) in the interests of advancing sublime irritation through the length and the breadth of this ghastly globe, a practice to which I am devoted.
Attend me now, seafood miseries! Attend me as I hold forth on matters vile and bitter! Prognosticatory matters! In this instance they pertain to the month of awful April. Last time, we left you as you were set to become the most famous hypnotist in the world. Mesmer the Magnificent or something equally vain and stupid! You were riddled with ungovernable appetites for sex, power and money. You had a burning desire to rule the world in the good, old-fashioned way and had done some very naughty shoplifting and several times walked out of cafes and lunch bars without paying! Eek! What gross moral turpitude is this, my tiny nitwits of the nipper!
These antics are all due to the presence of cranky Chiron, marauding Mars and nasty Neptune in your solar eighth house, a frightful place of betrayal, nefarious acts and unmentionable body parts and functions. You had also enslaved your family at home by your cruel and ruthless will, as you disported yourself in far climes and took advantage of all the foreign relatives you despise (that could take quite a time in itself). It all seems solid enough so far! But, predictably, the month begins with ghastly planets farting in the cosmic winds and things seem to come unstuck. With mischievous Mercury in perverse reversal in arrogant Aries and your solar tenth house, you're embroiled in disputes with promoters about the forthcoming inaugural tour. You're entwined in a fracas with café staff and an officer of the law over an unpaid bill and only saved from undignified arrest by the lightning use of your hypnotic powers at the last moment (whew). And, because of these entanglements, your steely grip on your family slips to such an extent that they order home delivered pizza on your credit card! Eek!
This contumely and errant behaviour comes instead of them sticking to the economic diet of lawn clippings and tree bark you specified at your departure. You become distraught and indulge in uncharacteristic displays of emotion at the New Moon in arrogant Aries that brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of status and authority. You thus decide to limit all extra-curricular activity till you have the grand inaugural tour underway. Control is the essence, is it not, my little seafood morsels! We must keep the crustacean's social mask in place!
As mischievous Mercury then moves out of perverse reversal and marauding Mars ruts in the gutters of Heaven with nasty Neptune, your career as Mesmer the Magnificent is launched. The gallery at the first performance indulges in a frenzied sexual orgy (simulated under hypnosis, of course) as marauding Mars and lugubrious Saturn wrestle in unseemly fashion and the rest of the auditorium (of foreign persons) wildly applauds your brilliance! Ghastly planets disport themselves in cloddish Taurus and you are a great success, my wittering ninnies! And, as the Full Moon comes in morbid Scorpio, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar fifth house, you find you're gripped by a powerful perception. You must abstain from all personal pleasures and indulge only in your power and control.
As a consequence, you decide not to engage in sexual pleasure on your own behalf for the moment, thus putting aside the practice of hypnotizing café staff, shop assistants and, of course, distant relations. You will instead incline towards the ascetic path. Hola the celibate Crab! Thus you can enjoy the piquant power and vicarious thrills of hypnotizing others to engage in the sexual act for your own delectation and as a demonstration of your mighty powers! Great gods alive and dead! How wicked you've become, my tiny nitwit things! The sneer of cold command on your cruel lips would freeze mother's milk in the breast! And your legendary control grows by the minute, as do your plans for your own greatness. Perhaps you could devise a reality television show where the audience could phone in and choose an unlikely couple. Like George Bush and Justin Timberlake! Or Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono (a little humour for the older audience)! Or Paris Hilton and any human being with a brain! Then, you could use your powers to mesmerize them into mating, like specimens in the zoo of life with you the stern but wise keeper of their fates and, of course, the keys to their cages!
This is all becoming beastly, isn't it! It sounds like the kind of fun one should have in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! It certainly sounds like the only kind of fun one gets when lugubrious Saturn is in one's sign. But, my tiny crab type things! What happens when the fun stops? Click here next month and see! Ta! Ta!