What ho, my frightful little creatures! The news is rather ghastly, I'm afraid. The cosmic winds are full of the flatulence that typifies a lack of attention to diet prevalent among the insane gods. But then, one must be sympathetic, mustn't one! After all, the only thing they have up here to do is look down on your pathetic and unenviable lives. So what can one expect of the gods but drunkenness, brawling, appalling dietary habits and scant attention to personal hygiene? Your days are so unspeakably dull and meaningless! You seem to have entirely forgotten that it is central to the very purpose of your existence to provide entertainment for bored heavenly types.
By all the gods alive and dead, do try and make something of yourselves in the month of awful April which I am reliably informed is the current month, though I'm running late as per usual. I should vastly prefer it if the month started at the end of the first week. That's, of course, if I vastly prefer anything at all and I'm not sure that I do. Oh well! How sad! Never mind and on with the show!
We left you last time on a wave of success, due to your master baking and treasure buns and, of course, ghastly planetary aspects that have already passed into the mists of time. Odious Saturn sets the month underway by grinding ancient bones, creaking knees and wrinkled skin into forward motion in Leo and your house of money. We find you poised at the door to the den of the gambler's iniquity, the casino, with money clutched in your sweaty (ugh) nippers. Vamping Venus slithers lasciviously into wretched Pisces and you're immediately surrounded by sycophants and sybarites that wish to have sex with you, overlooking your otherwise hideous nature because you're rich and powerful.
But what's this? By my little brown bottle, it's an appalling turn of events. Marauding Mars assails dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, right in the private parts! You're frozen, my tiny Crabs! Hmm! Frozen crab! You sweat profusely, wandering in your mind as the addiction of the wheel (eek) grips you yet again. Will you put your funds at risk? Will you bet for or against your instincts? Will you make a fortune or lose one? Marauding Mars is a vile intruder in your house of self-undoing! Mischievous Mercury gropes the dark god as well and you argue with yourself about the right thing to do. A Full Moon glares in lackwit Libra! You swoon, seeing a vision of your saintly mother. God bless her sackcloth underpants and ring-barked knees!
By my sainted aunt, what's this? Gadzooks! The heavens erupt in fantastical fornication and furious flatulence! The war god barrels into your slimy sign! The busy messenger then barrels into addlepate Aries and these two make such ghastly and obscene congress as would defy the efforts of a thousand scribes writing for a thousand years to describe it. 'Put it all on black' whispers the ghost of your saintly mother. Then, the vision of her fades! You sweep sycophants and sybarites aside (increasing their interest in you), hie to the dread wheel and place all your money just as your mother told you to. Ghastly planets fart and careen in the gutters of the cosmos! The wheel spins and spins, as does your mind, moving in harmony with the eternal turning of the eternal wheel! Ye gods and little fishes! How spiritual! You close your squinty eyes, hardly daring to look. The great Sol Invicti then smashes into leaden Taurus, clashing with grim Saturn. The die is cast! You become depressed, as the turn of the wheel seems to go on forever. In fact, it has been several days since this began but it's all for the sake of a good story!
And then it happens all at once, tiny seafood morsels! The New Moon comes in tragic Taurus while vamping Venus exposes her most private parts to the vile attentions of dark Pluto, god of the underworld. You open your eyes to look down and find that you have won a fortune! Shriek and double shriek! Oh joy unbounded! Now you can make all your dreams come true!
But my darling addlepates! Does your sign not rule the patterns of the past! So, will it all come back to haunt you as success turns into the odious egg custard you were forced to eat in the dark days of your ghastly childhood. God bless your ancient mother and the curse words that she taught you! Kindly click here next time and see if all your dreams are set to become nightmares yet again. Ave!