Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Salutations, you miserable crustaceans! I trust your stomachs are full. I trust that a substantial personal fortune, armed guards and barbed-wire fencing are all working to protect the sanctity of your homes. I trust you're using every stringent means available to encourage all around you to adopt the enduring traditional values for which you're doubtless prepared to die. May your pincers always be sharp as razors and may you continue to move sideways faster than normal people move forwards.
And, by the way, if you have any evidence whatsoever that any of these tedious attributes of yours do any real good in the world, send me an email and let me know how this could be so. I haven't had a good laugh since Saturn, lord of fateful reward moved into Gemini, trying jointly to encourage Aries to think before they speak and Leos to cooperate with other people. Let me tell you, the heavenly council and I screamed with laughter over that little play for the best part of a week. Enough of this aimless offence! Let's get down to the business of vile and bitter prognostications to score some real points with your over-sensitive and dampish nature.
Last month we left you making obscene amounts of money, passing yourself off as a healer and channel for higher consciousness, operating under the fatuous 'new age' title of Dolphinsong. Before you start congratulating yourself for fooling a gullible and witless public, try to remember that it isn't very hard to do so (the use of the words 'gullible' and 'witless' may be the giveaway). On the other hand, don't fall into the trap of believing your own publicity. They have a place of incarceration for persons who believe such ludicrous nonsense. It's called earth, a lonely and desolate exile for the criminally insane and spiritually witless, distant by far from the hub of the universe where marvellous things regularly occur. As the scourge of September begins, Mercury the messenger moves into Libra and your solar fourth house, causing endless and anguished debate amongst your family over the worth of what you're doing and how the money will be divided.
Then comes the FULL MOON in Pisces and your solar ninth house, seeing you elevated to the status of cult figure among the drivelling nondescripts of the so-called spiritual community. However as the great Sol Invicti then tussles with underworld Pluto and sober Saturn, several publishing concerns contact you with regard to writing a book on what you're doing. You also receive several complaints threatening legal action from other channels using a similar title and subsequently have a health crisis in order to cope with the distress.
By September 8th, Mercury the messenger wrestles with giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens and mighty Mars moves into Capricorn and your solar seventh house of partnership. Your family is up in arms because you won't give them any of the money you're making. For some strange reason they don't seem to be happy with an extra serve of hard tack and a temporary cessation of the beatings. By the mid-month, you're so exhausted by their constant complaint and unreasonable attacks (and of course from the tidal wave of ninnies seeking healing from Dolphinsong) that you decide to set up a family business. With giant Jupiter in your sign in tension with underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar sixth house, you employ your entire family, thus retaining total control. As Venus the goddess is tussling with revolutionary Uranus, you set up a complicated series of trust funds to make sure you keep control of the money as well, since nobody but you and five lawyers and three accountants will be able to understand what you've done.
When the NEW MOON comes in Virgo and your solar third house, the publishing deal goes ahead, with the added extra of a CD of Dolphinsong speaking in the tongue of the dolphins. This will save you the problem of actually writing additional material, as you'll be able to make it up as you go along. Come the EQUINOX on September 22nd, the great Sol Invicti moves into Libra and your solar fourth house, squaring the Lunar Nodes as he does so. You decide to buy yourself an idyllic seaside retreat and move there to begin work on the book, Dolphinsong Speaks. I can barely begin to express my excitement. Will this tedious tome be unleashed upon an ignorant world or will disaster intervene to sweep aside the best laid plans of you cursed crustaceans? Click here next month to find out.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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