Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Avast, my little nondescript crustaceans! About that time of the month again, is it! Feeling the need for your regular dose of vile and bitter prognostications from the master of malice? Dare you step within the sphere of my malignant misery and risk the all-encompassing sweep of my maleficent malevolence? I, Asperitus, am the oracle of bitter truth and the hammer of foolish vanity and optimism! Well, little seafood morsels! Read on if you dare! Step into my parlour if you care to, though I care not whether you do or not. I care only to prognosticate (but not all that much)!
So there you are, ensconced at your luxury seaside retreat, writing a tedious tome, crammed with such mind-numbing nonsense and superficial drivel that it might well be the product of the lunatic thought processes of a fatuous Gemini or the demented ravings of a Pisces. This means it will doubtless be a bestseller, as it will be pitched perfectly at a market place consisting of the cretins and fools more popularly known as the human race (has anybody won yet, by the way? Personally, I can't wait for it to be over). Anyway, I suppose I'd better throw in some astrological references, otherwise you'll feel you're being cheated in the typically miserly and fearful way proper only to the useless and annoying crustaceans of the world.
Are you sitting comfortably? You are? Oh well, one can't have everything one wishes for, I expect. Now, pay attention! As the month of odious October begins, Venus the goddess is in Virgo (the neurotic surface-wiping analyst) and your solar third house (the house of mundane communication, the kind you know best) and squaring underworld Pluto (the nasty planet that relates to bowel motions, taxes and death). This means that irritating people like neighbours, news reporters and novelists as well as the odd sibling (your insufferable and demanding family, remember) will probably ruin your work schedule and damage your health with their obsessive interference and infantile questions as to what you're doing and why you're doing it. When the FULL MOON comes in Aries and Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Libra, you hire a short-tempered female publicist with a severe speech impediment to handle all inquiries. You then lock yourself in your bedroom with a portable refrigerator to handle the emotional crisis you've now decided to have.
All this channelling business has really unnerved you. Do you actually channel a dolphin spirit or are you simply as neurotic and deluded as everyone says you are? You're making plenty of money, but you no longer feel safe in the privacy of your own emotions. These feelings are all due to an endless series of difficult astrological aspects and it's far too tiresome for me and also confusing for you to bother recounting them. Let's just say that by the time Venus the goddess enters Libra on October 15th and the NEW MOON comes in that same sign, you will have run the gamut of your emotional range. You will have argued violently with your spirit guides, eaten everything the local delivery service could bring in, fought with your spouse and hired an interior decorator to redesign your new home in the style of the ocean deeps.
However, when the great Sol Invicti moves into Scorpio and your solar fifth house and Mercury the messenger moves forward again, you decide to stop worrying and enjoy the millions you're making by gambling them away at the casino you discover is just down the road from where you live. And, when mighty Mars the warrior moves into Aquarius and your solar eighth house, you start an affair with a sex-worker you meet at the roulette wheel. Sex helps and soon you're channelling screeds of the utter balderdash you need to fill the pages of Dolphinsong Speaks. How could all of this be one iota more inexpressibly wonderful? I honestly have no idea!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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