Cheers, my nitwit crustaceans! Welcome to the mayhem of May. And, certes, the mayhem begins instanter as mischievous Mercury flitters and flutters into addlepate Gemini, infesting your solar twelfth house with miscommunication. Ghastly Saturn then pins the supple creature to the floor and makes merry with his private parts in a depressing sort of way. You'll live in a world of confusion, misunderstanding and delay. Spirit voices will haunt your disintegrating mind as the shades of past authorities fill you with angst and flay your hide with criticism while associates assail you with morbid thoughts and steal your ideas.
As the New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus, you biff your sponging friends and decide to live only in honour of the god Mammon. Jolly Jupiter moves into perverse reverse and your lawyer goes away on holidays. Marauding Mars crashes into lackwit Leo and you wander the streets, bashing small children and overdressed, flashy types to filch their funds. The great Sol Invicti and vamping Venus perform obscene exchanges with narcotic Neptune, cranky Chiron and the Loony Nodes while you engage in indescribable sexual practices that will doubtless see you behind bars when the truth is known.
A Full Moon blazes in evil Scorpio and you throw irritating small children into bogs, feast on a surfeit of leeks and romance a pharmacist to save on prescription medicines. But lo, the horror of the heavenly heavy hand is not done, for the great Sol Invicti slinks into nitwit Gemini and your solar twelfth house then gropes the aging bones of grim Saturn. Thus, you think dark thoughts and lay secret plans whilst showing a falsely pleasant face to the world at large. You have bizarre sexual experiences with the electrical socket in a bedside lamp and, as mischievous Mercury swans into nitwit Gemini then gropes the body of Uranus, idiot god, you're inspired to travel to distant climes. You pack a case, taking Teddy, Horsy and Bill the Kangaroo, many changes of underwear and a jumbo pack of your favourite egg custard. You buy tickets to Alexandria, including a window seat for Teddy as he's been very good lately.
However, as the busy messenger moves into perverse reverse, the plane develops engine trouble and makes an emergency landing in a mysterious mountain range. There we leave you on a jagged peak, chastising Bill the Kangaroo for jumping whilst so precariously placed and wondering if travel was such a good idea. Ave!