Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, little smelly saltwater things! How are you this month, you inane refugees from a seaside curiosity shop? Are you too busy channelling the fatuous drivel of one Dolphinsong to listen to my vile and bitter prognostications for the month of noxious November?
If you are then prepare to weep and tremble, for you are sailing into dire straits! A powerful doom awaits the unprepared crustacean, you know. Be warned! In fact, it doesn't really. I just say these things because I know how you like to worry. Go back to channelling Dolphinsong! Ignore reality! God knows the rest of us would like to, especially as this would enable us to ignore you and your nasty little pincers and your snotty little mood changes.
By the way, if you've no idea what I'm talking about, then kindly go back and read your forecasts from these last several months and stop wasting my time with your silly 'click, click, click' type browsing. Get into something serious, for god's sake! Read something with a little more substance than your favourite fare, such as The Miser's Guide to Xenophobia or The Comfort Of My Home On Ten Dollars A Day.
What's that I hear? You're a crustacean with a bent for deeper matters. Perhaps your preferred read is The Idiot's Guide to Obesity or Neurosis, Anyone Can Have One. Enough of this drivel! If you're as bored reading it as I am writing it, then we're both in trouble, little crabby things! On with the vile and bitter prognostications!
The FULL MOON comes in Taurus on November 1st, illuminating your solar eleventh house of friends, hopes and wishes as the great Sol Invicti glowers in Scorpio and your solar fifth house of pleasure and creativity. No doubt, the sex-worker you met last month at the casino discovers you're really a new age wanker and not an ordinary person after all. There will be ructions as Lady Moon and the great Sol Invicti make cosmic mischief with mystic Neptune and mighty Mars in Aquarius and your solar eighth house. The sex worker demands money from you otherwise she/he will write a 'kiss and tell' book as to how the great channel of the modern era hobnobs with the lowlife. She/he will reveal how you're gambling away the fortune you're making, how you clean out the fridge with eating binges and how you have sexual perversions that make even a hardened sex professional reach for the aspirin, a blindfold and several effective cleaning agents. Initially you worry about this but then, with sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, in Gemini and your solar twelfth house wrestling with underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar sixth house, you simply decide to have her/him secretly murdered. As mighty Mars the warrior conjoins with mystic Neptune, the dirty deed is planned and carried out. Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess both slide into odious Scorpio, heading for tension with mystic Neptune.
You decide to fake the circumstances and make the murder look like revenge for an unpaid gambling debt. As the NEW MOON comes in Scorpio and your solar fifth house making mischief with revolutionary Uranus, you decide to stop gambling, pay off or murder anyone involved with your scheme and return to channelling the spirit world of Dolphinsong and writing that fatuous book. Could it be so simple, little seaside curiosities? Or is all not well in crustaceansville? We shall see. After a raft of tedious aspects in the Heavens too irritating to describe, you find your dreams and channelled messages are now haunted by the ghost of a deceased sex-worker and the shades of various sharks you have unwittingly eaten under the guise of fish and chips. The sharks are particularly terrifying in that they talk constantly about violating the sanctity of your home and predict invading forces of foreign persons taking possession of your beloved country.
While Jupiter wrestles with underworld Pluto and Venus the goddess flirts with revolutionary Uranus and mighty Mars, you flee back to the solace of gambling, eating, drinking and a sex worker or two to drive out the evil dreams. But, as the great Sol Invicti enters Sagittarius and your solar sixth house, followed closely by Mercury the messenger, ill health begins to overtake you and you sink towards the oblivion of unconsciousness, not all at once, but by degrees. Come back next month and see if anybody cares!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes