Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, little goat type tragedies! Did you like my April Fool's joke of making you wait for your monthly dose of vile and bitter prognostications? It gave us here at the Heavenly Council some considerable cause for amusement (in a suitably restrained manner) as irksome Saturn, your ruling planet, is in fact the ruler of delays, inhibitions and restrictions of all kinds. Thus it is we pass the days here at the centre of this benighted universe, ruled by insane gods. We chortle in a merry if somewhat irritated fashion over such jollities as that, all of which are clearly the measure of the tedium (once again ruled by Saturn) of life (if such it can be called) in the known universe. Great Heavens, I'm so tired and weary. I must get on to the nub of things before I pass out from sheer disinterest. We hesitate no longer over pleasantries. Let us turn to the vile and bitter prognostications that spew forth from the oracle of bitter truth, myself, Asperitus! Quake and tremble, little creatures of the stringy beard and hard pellets! I shall begin!
Last month we left you adopting the guise of gracious surrender after defeat as the minions of compassion forced you to give up possession of your luxury apartment and restore the entire building to its former purpose, that of housing the old and infirm. As awful April gets underway, the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger hover in Aries and your solar fourth house, wrestling with giant Jupiter. Thus, angry persons infest your home, demanding further concessions in the matter of making redress for past sins.
As Chiron the wounded healer hovers in your own sign, bearing the brunt of this assault, it's likely that you will become ill if you have to keep up the pretense of remorse over taking advantage of others in order to make a profit. Great Heavens, little goats! What else is there in life? Or at least in your miserable lives anyway! By the time the great Sol Invicti and Mercury conjoin, you're sick of yelling back at everyone. With Venus the goddess in Taurus and your solar fifth house, you decide to leave these people to their noise and go out and look for food, drink and sexual companionship. You don't have much success with this last requirement so when Venus squares mystic Neptune, you simply pay for what you want, a practice that suits your basic philosophy anyway. When mighty Mars squares revolutionary Uranus, you end up making a lot of money through the risky investments that took your fancy last month. Wealthy once more, you're ready for action.
Come the NEW MOON in Aries and your solar fourth house, you decide to buy the building next door to the now restored home for the old and infirm. This will be your new residence. As mighty Mars moves into Gemini and your solar sixth house, you set up office in this new home, going into the technology sector once again. Then, as Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and your solar fifth house, you employ all the odious and loud-mouthed children you've had and move them into the premises, ensuring that they all have cars, CD Players and plenty of drunken friends and relatives who come to visit. Thus the place becomes a madhouse while you seal yourself away in a soundproof apartment on the top floor of the building from which you actually run the business. Raucous parties, vociferous complaints and visits from the authorities transform the tranquil lives of the aged and infirm residents into a 'nine decibel' nightmare. But then revenge is a specialty of the sign of the Goat.
However, as Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter and opposes Chiron, your health suffers badly and you begin to have bouts of nervous uncertainty while weeping copiously. Great Heavens, goatish types! What could be wrong? Find someone who cares (if you can) and ask them! The great Sol Invicti moves into the sign of Taurus while Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus. You find you're gambling, paying for sex and squandering money left right and centre in a desperate effort to make yourself feel better. But nothing works! You only get worse. Yikes and double yikes, little goatish nitwits, what will you do? As Venus the goddess moves into Gemini and your solar sixth house, your health deteriorates as the pressure of work increases.
Come the FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar eleventh house, you have to consult a psychologist and nerve specialist to see what is wrong. The specialist is an eccentric woman with a professionally detached manner. She brings a startling revelation into your life as Mercury the messenger squares revolutionary Uranus. She explains to you that you have simply begun to feel emotions like other normal people. This is far too terrible to contemplate on a prescription of the strength I'm currently using. Come back next month when I'm better provided and I'll see what drivel and poisonous lies I can make up for you then.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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