Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, miserable goatish tragedies! Welcome to jittery July! Here are the vile and bitter prognostications thereof.
We begin with a raft of unspeakable planets in irritating Cancer and your solar seventh house of partners and close associates. Thus the indignities heaped upon you as jaundiced June came to an end will continue unabated. You will remember that (if you've been reading your monthly forecasts like good little goatish things) family members, children, servants, enemies and partners from your tragic past gathered in your mountain home. They came to celebrate your misfortune and speed you down the slippery slope to complete personal disaster.
To this end, they began hurling abuse and all manner of objects blunt and sharp in your particular direction. While many of these scored direct hits, you retained, of course, that outward air of sorrowful resignation so familiar to us who know you while inwardly you keep the legendary 'running score' on the doings of others so you can plot a secret and inexorable revenge.
As Venus conjoins with sober Saturn and harmonizes with mighty Mars and revolutionary Uranus, leadership of this motley crew now rotates between the ancient female relative with the withered breasts and a belligerent younger sibling. This was the one who behaved so badly after you cleverly had him cut out of the will and then charged him rent for living in the family home. He just couldn't see that it made good business sense!
However, enough of that! Come the Full Moon in your dreary sign, you set in motion your cunning plan for revenge. You creep about at night and steal car keys from the sleeping horde of tormentors. You lock their cars, lock the house (lucky you installed security shields on the windows) and then shut yourself in the bathroom with all of the remaining food, refusing to come out till everyone stops insulting and hitting you, and signs a contract indicating that they will do so. They badger you, but you do not yield. With Mercury in your solar eighth house, they try to negotiate but you remain obdurate. Since you control access to the only toilet in a hundred kilometres, this is a business opportunity, given the incontinence problems your relatives have.
Venus the goddess opposes Chiron and they offer a younger, distant cousin, trading sexual favours for toilet privileges. You take up the offer on a 'try before you buy' basis. As Mercury opposes nasty Neptune, they ply you with money, but you play 'hard to get'.
As the great Sol Invicti moves into Leo, you're struck with an idea in the midst of all this, toilets people have to pay to get out of as well as into. You're on the mobile in a moment and organizing this with a couple of old business cronies.
Come the New Moon in Leo, you're finished with forestry, nature and poetry. Instead, you're reclining in the bath, listening to the sufferings of your opponents for entertainment whilst bulldozers in the city advance you towards the creation of the first of your chain of new toilets. Mighty Mars is now retrograde in Pisces and your solar third house and you have turned the tables on all that opposed you. Mercury the messenger moves into Virgo and you're already trying to syndicate overseas. The Swiss have shown themselves to be very interested. Things are looking up, little goatish tragedies! Or are they? Click here next month and see!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes