I have a message for you, my morbid goatish things. It pertains to the foul doings of the coming year. Kindly pay attention as this year comes with a caution on the packet. With far too many planets in the sign of silly Sagittarius and your solar twelfth house as the year begins, you will be best to stay asleep. I advise you, awaken only for the advent of 2006, though there is no guarantee that it will be an improvement on 2005 or indeed any other year. With that done and dusted, I will continue to prognosticate.
With planets too tedious to name in the unspeakable sign of the Archer, you will talk to yourself, know the regret of unrequited love, lose money on foolish dreams and become unwittingly involved in altercations with traffic, neighbours and siblings. You will express your anger about public education or be assaulted by a teacher. You will lose friends in high places and gain snivelling but angry family members to care for. You may gain friends from Korea, Morocco or New Orleans. You will become an orchardist or make a fortune selling frozen food. You may trade in Swiss currency, take an interest in birds or have a religious experience and speak in tongues, courtesy of the Holy Ghost. You may be moved to undertake a mission to improve the world, bringing gales of laughter from on high. Such divine emissions may be the agency of further disasters on earth, apart from yourself.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the jolly giant in Libra, you will pursue career interests by pretending to listen to what others think in order to get them to do what you want. You may travel to upper Egypt for business reasons. You may grow roses to sell, trade in cayenne pepper and dress outlandishly to convince others you are stylish. When jolly Jupiter moves to sullen Scorpio in October, you will take an exotic nom de plume, write detective fiction or works on the occult. You may join a secret society of authors who conceal their identities but wear a geranium at the lapel or grow thorn bushes as a badge of recognition. You may have sex indiscriminately with your friends (both of them).
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With the grim and miserable bastard (Saturn) in Cancer and your solar seventh house, you will be surrounded by odious family members, partners and relatives, many of whom will be elderly, infirm or bitterly dependent. You yourself may be a burden to others, though this may not make the list of the Hundred Most Surprising Events for 2005. When Saturn moves into loathsome Leo in July, you may pursue money with fiendish pleasure, join an occult society, grow marigolds in secret or form an illicit liaison with a retired elderly actor in the hope of gaining an inheritance. Aggressive males will spoil your pleasures from October. You will be unable to make important decisions in December. Other than that life will be the usual bed of roses on a mattress of thorns.