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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of November 2003    Go Forward
    Ho to you, lugubrious nitwits of the goatish type! Last month we left you in the throes of deepest misery, a familiar place to those born under the aegis of your depressing sign. You were friendless and forlorn, defeated in your desire to become a nice person, even though it was your intent to do so only for personal gain. As a gaggle of unspeakable planets makes a raft of irritating aspects, fouling the Heavens above to the detriment of one and all below, you go home, throw out your new wardrobe and discard the new personal image.

    You have your house redecorated and hire a contract killer to dispose of the personal trainer and interior decorator whose services you have decided to dispense with. Come the Full Moon and a lunar eclipse in tiresome Taurus, you go back to the old game plan of putting friendships and personal wishes aside in order to chase only money by whatever means you can.

    Mischievous Mercury clashes with idiot Uranus then enters asinine Sagittarius. You begin secretly plotting new business deals connected with your recent successes in reality television. You hire several media people and put them together with the hitman who has recently carried out two small jobs for you. You lock them in a conference room and demand they come up with the plot for a new show, something more dramatic than 'pay to get out' toilets and enforced constipation. After the hitman has become bored with terrorizing the media fops by threatening to kill their families and slash all their suits, they manage to work as a group and come up with something sensational. They call it 'Abduction'.

    The plot is simple. A lone individual is kidnapped, robbed, abandoned in a foreign city and told two things. The first is that there is a return air ticket waiting in a public toilet on the other side of town. The second is that there is a hired killer already in hot pursuit. The cameras then capture the ensuing jolly romp. Insufferable planets grind out inexorable aspects and you set up the mechanism of this gruesome new undertaking, paying especial attention to your legal situation.

    Finally, all is ready to go as the New Moon brings a solar eclipse in the nitwit sign of the Archer, Sagittarius. You sit at your desk waiting for the early reports and first images when a screaming horde of assassins bursts into your office. You're tied, drugged and hustled onto a waiting aircraft.

    And the joke of it is, little goatish tragedies, the first abduction victim is you! You're the victim of a cunning plan hatched by old enemies. You're hoist on your own petard. Thus we find you standing on a street corner of some foreign burg, dazedly wondering which way to go to the toilet where you'll find your air ticket. But yikes and double yikes, puling miseries! Coming down the street towards you, you see a familiar face that has a murderous gleam in its steely blue eyes. Run, little goatish types, run! But can you run fast enough. Click here next month and see!

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