Asperitus Casting Runes...
A cheerful and jolly welcome to the bureaucrats of the Zodiac, even if it is difficult for you to recognize cheerfulness and jollity when you encounter them. You goats are known for your love of form and structure, your desire for control and authority and a marked tendency towards earth shattering dullness. Thus, it comes as no surprise that the sign of the Goat rules the civil service, civil service workers, civil engineers and clocks, all noted for the practice of marking time in their own idiosyncratic but entirely repetitive way. Did you know it has been proven in scientific tests (the only kind you like) that there is no apparent difference in the level of stimulation achieved in conversation with a clock than in conversation with a civil engineer or a civil servant? Perhaps the mandate of the tests should be widened to see whether this applies to the sign of the goat as a whole.
Ah well, enough of such idle speculations! And I certainly can't appear to be idle and not getting on with the job in front of you lot. I'd be in for a pay cut in no time, that's if I got any money for writing this unmitigated drivel to brighten up your otherwise tedious day.
Did you also know that along with all matters civil (I exclude myself from that list), the sign of the Goat rules a variety of matters associated with subterranean activities and confined spaces underground, all beginning with the letter 'c'? We start with caves, cellars and cells, then move on to cemeteries and churchyards, finally coming to coal, coalminers and coffins. We can't of course leave out the one I feel to be the absolute giveaway with regard to the goatish nature, cement, even though this is not properly a subterranean item.
While it is the Goat who rules the cell, remember too that it is the dreaded Pisces who rules the atmosphere of misery and isolation that comes with a state of confinement. This is why you goats should always marry a fishface so the two of you can live a life of perfect misery together. The cell and the prisoner! What a perfect match! These remarks will give you some idea of how I generally regard the profession (if such it can be called) of marriage guidance. Anyway, I suppose I'd better get on with it, otherwise there'll be no space left to predict yet another month of misery in your colourless lives.
The fun begins of June 4th (although it's always fun at your place, isn't it?) when the great Sol Invicti wrestles with underworld Pluto, stirring up nine kinds of trouble between your solar sixth and twelfth houses. Hidden enemies will emerge and the troublesome spirits guides you summoned up last month will start smashing your crockery and hiding your underwear in the hope this will drive you to new heights (or depths) of ruthless cruelty towards your fellow human beings. On the same day, Mercury the messenger turns retrograde, splitting the seams of your recently formed media empire, probably because the teenage internet whizkids you've had to employ refuse to obey your every command (how dare they!). When the FULL MOON comes on June 6th, a computer virus called 'buccaneer' (take note of this) goes through your newly purchased computer equipment like a dose of salts, leaving the office full of bored teenagers with nothing to do.
As Venus the goddess moves into Taurus and your solar fifth house of pleasure and recreation on the same day, you decide to go out to find something to eat and someone to have sex with while you think of what to try next. On June 12th, while Jupiter opposes retrograde Mars and more teenagers are still trying to revive your flagging hard-drives, the evil consortium of criminal financiers from whom you've borrowed money to start your empire come up with an alternate plan for you to follow. Slavery has always been a respectable profession (more so for owner than slave, but who needs to quibble) and this is what they have in mind for your future. They offer to re-finance and re-equip your media empire if it will operate as a front for their slave trade activities. As they present you with a good business plan and the figures look good (on paper at least), you agree. Really, the guns they threatened you with had nothing to do with it. Business is business, after all! So, by mid June when the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Jupiter and Venus the goddess squares mystic Neptune, you agree. There are teething problems, as there always are, but then again, you don't have to get to know any of the slaves personally, do you? Well, at least, not until the fateful day of the eclipse!
On June 21st, the great Sol Invicti moves into the sign of Cancer, bringing a NEW MOON and a solar eclipse that shakes up matters of relationships. In pursuance of their own evil purposes, the slavers that you work for have kidnapped the underage partner of your son/daughter from his/her place on the buccaneer ship in the Pacific (refer last month's forecast). Here you are faced with a family crisis that sits at the very heart of the eternal battle between good and evil! What will you do? Mercury turns direct on June 28th, urging you to make a decision. You examine the figures and find that he/she will fetch quite a price, giving you a good commission. However, as you take longer than most to make up your mind what to do on matters of business (especially if loss of money might be involved), you'll have to come back here next month to find out. Finally, when Venus the goddess in Taurus squares revolutionary Uranus on June 30th, the person you had sex with earlier in the month offers to move in and do the housework. As you like to put a practical twist on things, you accept. It won't last, but still, it'll work for a while!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes