Hola, goatish chumps! It’s time for your monthly dose of medicine, the vile and bitters for joyless July! Listen quietly as the doctor makes up your prescription. It’s time for the terrible tincture, the awful elixir, the irritable infusion! I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth and doctor to the morbid masses! And should you require a direct application rather than a poison chalice then I also have a poultice for the paltry, a balm for the balmy and a salve for the insensate!
Let us waste no more time in common courtesies. Let us instead get on with it! The Full Moon comes in your loathsome sign and we find you, the beautiful Dorian Goat, contemplating the rather homely image (to put it politely) captured by what appears to be a magic mirror that has entered your life. This, of course, is the life you have embarked upon in Greece, making souvenirs for the Olympics and marketing a martial art based on the wild gesticulations that have afflicted you since your arrival. And the image in the mirror has left you beautiful and attractive, disguising your repulsive moral character and depressing appearance beneath a veneer of good looks. Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and folk flock to put their money and affairs into your hands.
Mischievous Mercury moves into Leo and your hire a string of accountants to count the coin flooding into your coffers whilst employing several social secretaries to cope with the flood of dangerous liaisons, drawn to the sphere of your magnetic charm. The great Sol Invicti conjoins with miserable Saturn in neurotic Cancer and you form several new associations. But, as mischievous Mercury and marauding Mars clash with the Lunar Nodes, you do several nasty things to take advantage of your new chums.
But what’s this? By my little brown bottle, your personal radiance only increases, as does your bank balance (Mercury and Mars opposing nasty Neptune). And, with the New Moon in neurotic Cancer, your partners just come back for more. However, little goatish miseries, when you turn to look in the mirror, a nasty sneer now looks back at you from the dowdy features that make up this secret face of Dorian Goat. Vamping Venus bumps and grinds with jolly Jupiter and you insert a ‘sexual services’ clause into the contract of every poor soul who works for you. Then, as the great Sol Invicti moves into lacklustre Leo while vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto, you embark on a journey into such gross moral turpitude as defies even my magnificent powers of description.
Yet again, the smile on your face is challenged by an ugly misshapen sneer from the magic mirror. Lugubrious Saturn and jolly Jupiter grind the gears of the cosmic machine by clashing with underworld Pluto and Dorian Goat becomes a creature of pulsating malevolence, masked in the fakery of childlike innocence.
But what do you care? The Full Moon in idiot Aquarius brings the money rolling in. Your ruling planet, unspeakable Saturn once was known to astrologers one and all as the Devil. What happens when the Devil wears the guise of a cherub? Click here next month and read the next irritating episode of the Mirror of Dorian Goat.