Gadzooks, nasty goatish persons! I realize I am late with the forecast but I shall carry on as if nothing of importance has occurred, as it clearly hasn't and never does. Last time, we left you wracked in the agony of a moral crisis, as you saw yourselves (at last) in the way the rest of us have always done, venal, corrupt and grasping. Yea, my knobby-kneed cretins, the llamas' gift was of cruel and unusual insight. 'Know thyself' is llama law. Generally, a great deal of spittle comes with the law. Perhaps the law is a llama after all and not an ass.
Anyway, enough philosophical dissertation. Let's get back to the action. It's doleful December and these are the vile and bitter prognostications thereof. By my little brown bottle, just think of it. What a ghastly thing for you to contemplate! Yourself! Eek! I could almost feel sorry for you were you not so despicable and I so filled by clouds of sublime irritation. You stagger and reel in the wilds of Tibet amid the llamas, too dazed to protect yourself from the clouds of saliva and raining blows that come as the llamas dance to celebrate the day of your enlightenment. Your mind races and races till you find yourself dancing amid the fountains of drool and flailing hoofs like a whirling dervish. Of course, mischievous Mercury is in reverse while warrior Mars and vamping Venus commit unspeakable acts with narcotic Neptune.
The New Moon comes in odious Sagittarius and your solar twelfth house (a ghastly place) and you fall frothing to the ground in a fit of some kind, during which you receive enlightenment. This comes as such things generally do from a visionary manifestation brought about by the entry of vamping Venus to your solar twelfth house in nasty aspect to idiot Uranus. Some formless shimmering female type thing in a robe that's barely worth the effort to don ministers tenderly to your fevered brow as every body function you thought you had and a few you didn't know about produce the repulsive excrescences for which they are generally recognized. And this with a deal of spasmodic twitching!
Thus we know the underworld god is abroad, complete with chariot and helmet, while Uranus, the idiot god, does his lunatic work on your person. It's exhausting, this enlightenment business, is it not, little goatish miseries! Take it from one who knows! Suffice it to say that, as mischievous Mercury moves forward and the great Sol Invicti enters your sign (Merry Christmas to you), you are awake, exhausted but on your feet and, finally, enlightened. However, you bear a body odour that brings even the older and more hardened of the llamas to seek the upwind position.
And then, great gods alive and dead, it all happens at once, tiny goatish nitwits! Marauding Mars crashes into idiot Sagittarius. The Lunar Nodes grind into arrogant Aries and loony Libra! A Full Moon comes in neurotic Cancer! You stand aghast and amazed at the deep realizations you have had and the cosmic understanding that has followed. You see at once the burden that enlightenment has placed upon your hairy shoulders. You resolve to journey back to civilization and take the message of the council of llamas to the world. You will be Moses to lead the tribes of earth out of Egypt, through the desert to the Promised Land beyond!
Yea, my little goatish things! Just keep taking the tablets and you will become a saviour of biblical proportion. Click here next month and see!