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    Go Back  The Sublime Irritations of February 2005   Go Forward
    Egad, my goatish things! We left you last time with a spiritual mission, an infectious dose of enlightenment and two jugs of llama spittle. How could you be better equipped for life in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! Let us go straight to the well of fearful February and draw an icy, chilling draft of the vile and bitter prognostications wherewith to wet our lips...

    Ghastly planets cavort in nasty aspect and you soon discover one can do a lot on the pecuniary side of things with two jugs of llama spittle. In fact, as marauding Mars crashes into your odious sign, judicious bargaining soon sees you with business class tickets to the global destinations of your choice and a wardrobe to replace the bedraggled rags you wore. And, by the New Moon in lunatic Aquarius, you also have a share in the seminal Buddhist Makeovers franchise and a license to export llama spittle to the pharmaceutical corporations of the world. This substance has miraculous properties that will revolutionize beauty therapy. And, after all, if you're going to bring world leaders to heel and demand they improve their ways, you'll need financial clout to do so.

    But what's this? Heavenly clangour assails our ears! Great gods alive and dead! It's the farting of odious planets in the cosmic winds. Suffice it to say, you are soon jetting around the world, making a fortune from the sale of bestial saliva and upbraiding the barons of business and the leaders of politics on the matter of their naughtiness and corruption. But the sad and tragic thing is, my tiny goatish nincompoops! No one believes you about the llamas! They think your campaign to reform the world is a clever and subtle ruse to hide the fortune you're making from llama spittle. The world of business and politics cynically believes that, like a rockstar involved in charity work, you are feathering your nest beneath the mask of these glib protestations. Oh the indignity! For the first time in your useless and miserable life, you have experienced something that approximates to a compassionate feeling for another being (albeit a llama, and only after being kicked and spat upon) and no one will believe you have changed.

    Well, I expect there's a lesson there for all. No doubt leopards and spots are involved. And of course the problem is that, as cranky Chiron moves into idiot Aquarius and your solar second house, you're making filthy lucre like nobody's business with the llama spittle empire you've created. You find yourself taut with frustration of the highest kind, my bothersome quadrupeds. Has all this enlightenment come to nothing? Will no one believe you have found a higher purpose and wish to carry it out?

    These agonies obsess you as the Full Moon comes in hideous Virgo. But so too does the great Sol Invicti join with idiot Uranus and a blinding flash catches you amid these discontented cogitations. It is the high llama himself who now attends you in a vision. You instantly duck to protect your more sensitive bits in case of spitting and kicking, but the high one assures you there will be no such manifestations of his holy presence. He merely says that he is aware of your plight and has come with new instructions. You are to demand all the llamas in captivity be released from their chains whereupon you, like a prophet of old, will lead them to the Promised Land. Let world leaders shake and tremble in their capitalist booties for great woe will fall upon the earth when the llamas all go home. And great woe will fall upon the earth if they do not.

    That sounds fair! What do you think? He then offers you a staff. 'Take this,' he says, 'and the magic of the llamas will be in your hands!' You accept the staff. It looks and feels as if it's made of dried llama dung. As it also smells that way, you fall weeping and asphyxiated to the floor whereupon the transport of enlightenment claims you once more. You wonder vaguely why enlightenment, as you have come to know it, cannot be of a slightly less odiferous nature. Ah well! The vision fades. The high llama is gone. But you arise, your spiritual vigour renewed. You shall be Moses Goat and lead the llamas to the Promised Land. Vamping Venus enters snivelling Pisces and you put on some very peculiar clothing and rush into the streets to fulfill your mission.

    Click here next time and see whether it is incarceration or success that awaits you. Farewell, goatish ninnies!

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