Hooray, my little hircine horrors! Well! Due to the evil machinations of a vast array of nasty heavenly bodies, disporting themselves in the ghastly sign of Aries, it's turmoil in the goatish domicile this month. So, why don't we dispense with the niceties and just get straight down to the business of tormenting you with the wretched awfulness of it all! This torment will, of course, come in the form of the vile and bitter prognostications for awful April. Have at you then, goatish nightmares! Here they are!
Last month, in the pursuit of your great ideal of llama liberation, you stepped into the public street and raised your cry to the Heavens. But things did not work out quite as you had hoped in this, the start of your campaign. Due to the mighty nature of this ululation, you wrought havoc on shop windows in an adjacent mall, not to mention the ears of loafers, drug-dealers, office-workers at lunch and the odds and sods of opportunist shoppers passing by. This shout of shouts also dislodged the helmet of a doughty member of the local constabulary which fell in the path of an opportunist shopper purchasing drugs (from a dealer), causing a fracas where the helmet-less officer of the law, after a struggle, triumphed over the minions of evil. Their arrest followed immediately and a reward is paid to you as a consequence of your assistance, involuntary though it was. Though you are losing precious time with such shenanigans, you have gained in the pecuniary sense and so donate the money to the cause of the llamas. But this strikes a note of perturbation with your intransigent family for they violently oppose any charitable act, except those directed towards themselves!
After a furious row at the New Moon and Solar Eclipse in arrogant Aries, you usher them onto the street, wielding the magic staff of llama poo and using imprecations of a colourful nature, picked up in Tibet. Mischievous Mercury moves out of his perverse reversal and you raise your mighty voice, warning these aged wastrels and dependent hangers-on not to darken your door again unless they come to know the wisdom of llama liberation. As ghastly planets cavort in cloddish Taurus and clash with cranky Chiron while marauding Mars misbehaves with nasty Neptune and lugubrious Saturn, you feel you have been sexually abstinent for too long. You thus hire several sex workers to sate your appetites, choosing older ones because they are superior in experience and unlikely to give way to the vagaries of sentiment, much like yourself.
You also set to work establishing markets for the 'llama spittle' enterprise but use your business connections to promote the 'llama' cause. In doing so, you speak about moral rectitude and the evils of politics in a way that those who know you find disturbing. A Full Moon in morbid Scorpio then brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar eleventh house and you lose several business friends who, because of this eccentric behaviour, are convinced you have gone mad or are the victim of an alien 'walk-in'. You simply mark their names in the black book where you keep the list of those who will come to know your vengeance at a future date.
Ghastly planets fart in the cosmic winds and you decide you have held your hand long enough. It's time for action of biblical proportion. Mischievous Mercury clashes with jolly Jupiter and you arrange a press conference and don the absurd garb of Moses Goat in readiness. You grasp firmly your magic staff of llama poo and prepare to threaten the civilized world. Eek!
Vamping Venus wrestles with nasty Neptune and you begin to conjure the magic necessary for a plague of frogs to enter the waterways of the great cities of the world, polluting them with excrement and improper croaking. If the powers that be will not yield to the demands of the high council of the llamas that you carry in your heart, then so be it!
Are you bold, bloody and resolute, O stingy things of knobby knees? Of course, you are! One might as well ask if the universe is benighted or the gods insane or Saturn lugubrious as ask this of you. Click here next month and look upon the resolute advancement of your mighty cause. Till then, my goatish tragedies, ave!