Tally ho, my goatish tragedies! How goes your mission to remedy the ills of this naughty world? For pity's sake don't answer me. I don't want to hear you speak! I only want you to listen to this unutterable drivel that is about to issue forth from the font of my inestimable personage (as it were). Attend me now, hircine horrors! It's time for your dose of the vile and bitter prognostications.
In this instance, said dosage pertains to the month of jaded June, a ghastly month, as indeed they all are. Open your goatish mouths and prepare to swallow. It is I, Asperitus, the doctor of doom who proffers the long spoon with which one must sup when one dines with the devil. You were contemplating flies and lice last time we left you. This was not a culinary choice, proper to your odious species. Rather, this was a choice between one or the other or both as the essential ingredient or ingredients in a plague that you, as Moses Goat, great doer of good, were set to visit upon a naughty world.
The world was, and still is by all accounts, deemed by an organization of llamas to be perplexing, immoral and rife with nasty behaviour such as swearing, shooting things and buying utterly useless products in large quantities. Criticisms which are, in the main, convincing and damning! This too was in the wake of an earlier plague involving frogs, rivers and menstrual blood, all intimately related in a way that cannot be decently described. You decided to proceed with the second plague, as the first was undetectable in among the effluent that infests the waterways of the world. In fact, as the month begins, dark Pluto, god of the underworld, clashes with marauding Mars. And so you unleash the plague of flies and lice in the form of a rice dish (flied lice) that will be sold all across the world, thus making the insolent humans pay for the affliction you visit on them in the name of llamas. Natural justice at it's best, I think!
But what's this? Vamping Venus moves into the neurotic sign of Cancer and you meet a person who's romantically interested in you. Great giggling gargoyles! This is someone willing to have sex with you without litigation, compensation or a fee for services rendered! It must be love, my little goatish things! On their part, at least! But there you are, with jolly Jupiter moving forwards again, going about the business of plaguing the world! In your busy life as a spiritual reformer and llama liberationist, what time would you have for love, even if you knew what it was? None! But love has you in its grip. Eek! And then comes along a worse thing to think about, as worse things tend to do in the wake of bad things! It's the New Moon, gibbering in lunatic Gemini and your solar sixth house of work and health!
A thought strikes you! And this is without the aid of trepanning to assist it in entering your skull, a fact remarkable in and of itself! What if you get sick by means of the very plagues you're making with your ridiculous garb and the magic powers of your staff of llama poo? Quelle horreur, my hircine shish kebabs! And now you're in love, which you are by the definition of the term as stated above, what if your loved one gets the flies and lice plague? You put the plague on hold, just like corporations do when you ring them to ask for your money back. Marauding Mars clatters into arrogant Aries and your solar fourth house and you become emotionally unsettled and fall into disarray! Mars then clashes with mischievous Mercury in your solar seventh house and you have words with your new love because you're so upset you can't explain what's happening. Actually, you know, it must be love as your new paramour has not yet asked what you do for a living or about your ridiculous clothes and the smelly staff you carry with you.
And then it all happens at once! The great Sol Invicti grinds into neurotic Cancer, visiting yet another grim solstice on a naughty world. And then a Full Moon comes in your own unutterably tedious sign. You break down and confess all! And guess what! It seems your new love is also a lover of llamas. You're two of a kind (a sobering thought). Now you have a partner on the great crusade of llama liberation, your trust is restored and the flied lice plague will go ahead as planned.
But first, as ghastly planets roll into loathsome Leo and your solar eighth house, you retire to the nearest piece of horizontal furniture and engage in your own acts of animal liberation. Eek! I can't sit around watching this. I must fly to the realms of Morphia! Medic! Bring me my brown bottle and that lovely silver tube you have. I shall sleep now. If I wake in time, expect more balderdash of this nature the next time you click here! Ta! Ta!