Gadzooks, tiny goatish miseries! It's already jaded June and I have a mission to complete, despite my predictable tardiness! And the mission is to tell you of the odious fate that awaits you, as you tread the path of misery in your unutterably wretched lives.
Behold, my ghastly loons! It is I, Asperitus! Baffling bard! Arrogant auspex! Piffling prophet! I offer the dark cup of nasty, viscous liquors! Drink deep! For these are the dread prognostications of a vile and bitter kind.
Last time we left you set to launch a new form of torture upon a naughty world. One which, it may be argued, that a naughty world entirely deserves. However, there are punishments that are unspeakably cruel, no matter how fair they may seem to the dispassionate adjudicator. And this is one of them. Your cult of flagellants will be on the receiving end of 'tongue' torture as you, the hideous hircine, talk to them (eek) and tell them what you think and feel. Mischievous Mercury slithers through slimy Cancer and this new strategy stimulates discussion among family and cult members alike.
The family, of course, are against it as they know what they're in for, having listened to you before. Some express a preference for the old-style thrashing as against getting an earful. Those in the cult speculate on the benefits that might come from this new and potentially awful application. Thus, you're forced to spend many tortured hours listening to the aimless debate till you're driven to screaming boredom. Marauding Mars clambers into Leo and you find you still wrestle with the inner demons that grant a dreadful pleasure only when you dish out torture to others. You have secret sex with an occultist, spend too much money and hit people on the back or hair when they're not looking. Nasty planets cavort in the Heavens, befouling the cosmic winds with odious farting and you prepare to deliver a torturous monologue, proper to this new regime of flagellation.
But what's this? There's an outburst, my ghastly goatish types! An ex-lover erupts in paroxysms of tears, dragging out the dirty linen from your libidinous past. Others scream in rage or discontent as rows erupt with the Full Moon in addlepate Sagittarius. Great giggling gods, your solar twelfth house is alive with angst and agony! You cry aloud at critics and detractors, trying to suppress these shenanigans with the lash of your tongue but, as the great Sol Invicti caresses the nude form of dark Pluto, underworld god, the stress of this ill-fated debacle overcomes you. As marauding Mars clambers upon the aging bones of lugubrious Saturn, you lock yourself in an antechamber and sulk because you can't get your way.
Egad, my knock-kneed hircines! All you wanted was to torture people (for their own good) by talking to them! Why is life so difficult?
Well, actually, it's because life takes place in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! That's why! And, speaking of insane gods, an eructation of hideous cosmic flatulence launches the entrance of the great Sol Invicti into slimy Cancer as the Loony Nodes forsake Aries and Libra, entering Pisces (ugh) and Virgo (ugh again). Great groveling gargoyles! All hell breaks loose in Heaven as cult and family members and relatives as well descend on the cell wherein you have locked yourself and proceed to bar the door from the outside.
Great gods alive and dead, you're locked in! At the mercy of those with the key! It wasn't supposed to be like this! Vamping Venus slithers into supple but perverted Gemini and you find your have little to do but un-pick then sew again the threads of the bandages you wear from past torture.
But, by my sainted aunt, what's this? Eek! It's a New Moon in the neurotic sign of the crustacean and the assembly on the outside launches a verbal assault on your incarcerated personage. Gadzooks! What will you do, my goatish types! For the nonce, you'll have to grin and bear it. As mischievous Mercury slopes into lackwit Leo whilst preparing to move into perverse reverse, it may be you will form a secret and cunning plan to liberate yourself and wrest back control of cult and family. Or it may not. You'll have to click here next time and see. Till then, ave!