What ho, my hircine horrors! Last time we left you in the closet, as it were. Or at least in a small room where you sought retreat from ghastly family members and relations, and also assorted cultish persons. However, the tables were turned on you in a stunning reversal as your solitary retreat became a prison cell when folk congregated in the corridor with bars, chains (in plentiful supply due to you're being the leader of a cult of flagellation) and a seething cloud of ill intent. In fact, as things came to their disturbingly awkward conclusion, there was much shouting and yelling, most of it insulting, pertaining as it did to the less pleasant features of your personality, character, physique and looks. A full list to work with there!
So, my tiny imbeciles, what will we find as we essay the journey into joyless July? Let us consult with the vile and bitter prognostications and so discover. Marauding Mars grapples lustily with narcotic Neptune and you thrash about your lonely cell, wishing you could perform an exchange of hostages so that you'd have someone to have sex with. You offer money in return for sexual favours but this simply enrages your captors further. As mischievous Mercury moves into perverse reverse, they unleash a foul torrent of curses and threats. They also thrash themselves in a most eccentric fashion, declaring this to be a sample of what you will receive once they extract you from the room. How disconcerting!
As jolly Jupiter launches his crapulous bulk forward once more in a square with lugubrious Saturn, you realize what a lonely, friendless, tragic individual you really are. And, is if attuning with you in a psychic sense, your family and relatives in the corridor unleash a stream of rancorous vituperation in your general direction as they rake over old family grievances and childhood hurts. As a Full Moon glares nastily on the world from your depressing sign, you have difficulty resisting the urge to flay yourself verbally and physically as you're swept along by this tide of ill-feeling. In fact, inspired by such sadistic surges, you sketch bondage positions on the walls, experimenting with freedom of movement for the hip and thigh, yet with the utmost of restraint applied to feet and ankles. Head movement remains negotiable. All of this comes to pass as vamping Venus slinks enticingly past the glowering gaze of dark Pluto, underworld god.
But what's this? Ye gods and little fishes! A lone family member steps up to beg mercy for you from the baying pack that thrashes in the corridor. And just as vamping Venus flashes her private parts at the Loony Nodes and slithers into neurotic Cancer! However, as mischievous Mercury makes disgusting congress with the dark lord, this weak-kneed recreant is instanter reduced to shrieks of remorseful agony by the fierce attention of the gathering of ruthless peers. Even you, my hircine horrors, shout aloud your advice on the matter of proper freedom for the hips through the barred door, the last bastion that stands between you and the ravening horde. For a moment you feel swayed by a thrill of ancient pride as you hear the execution of a job 'well done' (too well, in fact, as it necessitates a funeral notice). Thus, you know the elder traditions are in safe hands.
But what's this? By my sainted aunt, it's a startling development! Marauding Mars barges down the bellicose paths and crashes into ghastly Virgo and suddenly a fresh breeze and the call of the wild surge through the tiny window of your locked room. Your goatish spirit rises to the call and instanter you find yourself infinitely tired of all this pain, guilt and suffering. In a moment of inspirational agility, you're on the window sash and out to the world beyond, your odious little hoofs thundering in a typically hircine manner!
Great galloping goats, O things of knobby knees and stringy beard! Is this a bid for freedom? The great Sol Invicti clatters drunkenly into lackwit Leo, bringing a New Moon in your house of transformation! Eek! You resolve there and then to eschew the path of pain and begin again. To live a simple life in the wild and leave behind the trappings and the chains of leadership and other people's business! This shall be your goal!
But what's this? Why, it's the anxious ululation of your family and cult members, as mischievous Mercury sets himself to move forward once again. 'Come back! Missing you already,' they cry piteously but their imprecations fall on deaf ears as you head for the hills. But will we find you frolicking in paradise or at the gate to yet another hircine hell? Click here next time and you shall see, my miserable imbeciles! In the meantime, ave!