Odds bodkins, my little farting tots! Ghastly things are afoot! And to be sure these are nasty times indeed! Take my own situation. Currently, I am surrounded by a herd of flatulent reindeer. Eek! And, what's worse, they're farting like a German polka band, though the worst of the odiferous clouds at the moment move rearwards towards a distant forest where pine needles fall, scorched and lifeless to the ground at the onrush of these hideous efflations.
The intent of this bestial assault is that I retract all my statements pertaining to the humbug of Christmas, the benighted state of the universe, the insanity of the gods and the general futility of human experience. Eek! Do you realize what this would mean, tiny wilting blossoms! It would be a recantation of the doctrines of irritation and the path of sublimity! Gadzooks! That would never do! It's just not on!
But what's this? As I affirm to the world at large that I will not recant, the reindeer ominously (and as a herd) begin turning their south-facing hindquarters northward. I am set, it seems, for ascension to Heaven on a cloud of unspeakable foulness. It is, of course, the hideous St Nicholas that is behind this. The reindeer are his myrmidons, despite all that business with the red nose and dancer and prancer and cupid and donner and blitzen and what have you! They are nothing more than a drunken band of beasts, ready to swill schnapps and engage in a roughhouse with persons of gentile or mannerly disposition, like myself. The truth is that I once used the old saint's crook to beat him in a game of pool and he has never forgiven me. Well, I may have hit him over the head with it, but it was a light tap and it didn't really affect the outcome, as he was always a useless player. He can't actually do anything at all really, except bellow all that 'ho ho' stuff about the place like the raucous infant that he is. Most saints are the same! They're as bad as the gods, if not worse!
Anyway, suffice it to say this may be the moment of my demise and his revenge, unless I run like a coward and pretend to recant my beliefs. I suspect this will be my chosen option as I dislike violence, especially when it involves nasty odours and is enacted against me. The upshot of this is that I will be unable to make my customary vile and bitter prognostications. However, as there is an underling at my work station, I will psychically commune (eek) with this lower life form. Through him, I will bring a brief round of chortling, chiding and chastisement that will guide you through diabolical December to the threshold of 2007, a year during which most of us will lose the will to live.
Behold the chortles! Dec 5th brings a Full Moon in Gemini so you will argue with fellow motorists on the way to work, argue with co-workers while there, get stuck in traffic on the way home and argue with pedestrians then argue with yourself when you arrive home. All in all, an argumentative day and you won't get much done either. As marauding Mars moves to Sagittarius the next day, you'll get very tired. You'll also get sick from eating foreign food. You'll be opposed by hidden enemies that have bizarre religious convictions or serve foreign interests. Bizarre or underhand machinations will then take place all around you as people have secret sex, make secret deals or attend occult rites in weird cults.
When the New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, you'll sojourn at a foreign sanctuary, commit yourself to an asylum or join a ridiculous cult yourself as life is incredibly dull otherwise. Ghastly planets then grope their way into your appalling sign so you'll start to feel better. Thus, you'll drive everyone mad at Christmas by giving one of your ghastly lectures on 'reality' and will thus be snubbed on New Year's Eve, as all and sundry ignore you in the hope you'll go away. You'll then sit about looking depressed, wondering if you should buy a book on philosophy to help you understand what life is all about. Given the philosophers I've known, my advice would be 'don't waste your money'. Save it for next year. You'll need it. Ta! Ta!