Avaunt ye, ghastly goatish articles! Last time you were living rough, wandering the highways and the byways, badgering a living in a bellicose manner by battering the passers-by, demanding money with menaces on pain of guilt from this random ambulatory traffic. You discovered it to be a workable strategy for the gathering of dosh! And, certes, it has a proven track record with the Catholic Church and many other religious bodies, so why would it not work for you, ruled as you are by grim Saturn, the ghastly god of structure, old age and the sour disposition.
Quelle horreur, my hideous hircines! You are not the first nor will you be the last to profit from the anguish, real or imagined, induced by past wrongs. But will these painful pangs of the pusillanimous public make you more money in the days ahead? Or will they turn on their creator like the monster upon Dr. Frankenstein? There are no shortcuts across the ice, you know. Now, let us unleash the vile and bitter prognostications for fateful February and so discover! Read on my trembling goatish ninnies!
The month begins with a nasty Full Moon in loathsome Leo, so the dosh factor is much on your mind as you agree to take credit and illicit sexual congress as recompense for the 'down at heel' condition of your wayfarer's plight. And, with ghastly planets farting in nasty aspect in the tear-stained sign of the Fishes, the diversity of your encounters with the public is full of weird and wonderful occurrences. You hurl yourself onto the highway to stop heavy vehicles in their tracks to demand money from the helpless hairy drivers thereof. You pummel pedestrians, assail cinema-goers and irritate the I-pod wearers with menaces aforethought and the threat of GBH.
But what's this? Ye gods and little fishes but it's a stunning reversal of the norm, due to mischievous Mercury moving into perverse reverse and a deal of noisome farting from jolly Jupiter, vamping Venus and the Loony Nodes as they cavort obscenely in a cosmic ménage a trois. Foreign truck drivers whose fellows you assaulted come in a savage sortie, screeching vile abuse that is incomprehensible in meaning but patently clear by intent. Eek!
Pedestrians you have pummelled gather water bottles and empty drink cans to hurl at you. Egad! Cinema-goers rant at you, quoting the rave reviews of all the movies that you either missed or saw but hated, deriding you for bad taste and poor intellect. Gadzooks!
The crowning indignity comes as a savage band of eleven year old I-pod wearers hurls their superseded CDs in the manner of the Ninja and the shuriken, sending spiralling flights of silver birds in your general direction, causing you to duck and dive about to avoid this perilous attack. Odds bodkins, my little cretinous creeps! This has all gone horribly wrong.
As the ghastly New Moon comes in Aquarius, sign of the dribbling idiot god, you find you have to start paying back, on pain of pain, the monies you have so far acquired. Ugh! There is indeed a predictable conclusion about insult and injury right here! The great Sol Invicti slithers into Pisces while vamping Venus cavorts obscenely with dark Pluto, underworld god, and other wayfarers and hoboes of the highways now arrive and enter the frey. They claim you have been earning dough without paying for your patch and with no registered membership of the companions of the road.
Yikes! It's looking very serious, tiny turnips! Thus, as vamping Venus clatters into addlepate Aries, you run home and hide in the lounge room under the scarlet chaise longue that your mother recently purchased. Lawks a mercy! An angry crowd now gathers at the door, knocking, kicking and hurling vile abuse. You hurl the last of your coins into the street and return to your hiding place, muttering in a dazed and confused manner about what the world is coming to. As this takes places with mischievous Mercury battering his way through the back door into Aquarius, sign of the idiot god, you begin twitching as though you have a nervous affliction.
However, as I have been overtaken by an attack of creeping ennui, you will have to click here next month to discover if there is any sense or meaning to be made from this outbreak of egregious piffle. Hail and farewell, hideous hircine types!