Greetings, miserable wretches! No doubt your lives have been all the more grim and depressing due to the absence of a little ray of sunshine named Asperitus. That's me, by the way. The piffling prophet and oracle of bitter truth!
Awful April passed me by in a cloud of creeping ennui and now the main body of malevolent May threatens to do the same. In fact, it probably would have done so had the staff here in Heaven not come and threatened to hose me down if I would not shift myself to let them change my linen. Thus, I have risen from my bed of woe and, as I have nothing better to do since everyone here in Heaven is mad, I shall arrest this wearisome slide into desuetude and reassert my position as the black sun of doom and irritability's nonpareil.
Remember the seventh law of irritation, if you will. There is no situation so bad that it cannot be made worse by constantly complaining of it. There'll be a lot of that coming your way. Attend me now, hircine loons! We shall first look back on the past to better understand the present. Although, if truth be known, I'm not entirely sure why that is, as I find it all incomprehensible anyway. The Full Moon in Scorpio at the inception of this malevolent month set things off to a ghastly start. There would have been a crisis over friends, finance and the foolish ventures in which you are involved. And also there would have been fisticuffs at the Tax Collectors Glee Club you regularly attend as an undercover agent, spying in the interests of corporate profiteering. After that you will have argued with a romantic partner about the bill for dinner, offering to split it for extra sex. Thus it was that you received only 'cold shoulder' for your late evening snack. You will have also pursued an office affair or cheated your workers in their salary negotiations. Doubtless this was all due to the farting of ghastly planets as they cavorted in nasty aspect but it's all too long ago now to bother with names and such. I have better things to do than blither on about 'who squared whom' though for the life of me I can't think what they are.
Anyway, back to the tragic tale of your tawdry existence. As vamping Venus slithered her way into neurotic Cancer, you probably had sex with someone or other, after lying to them about 'liking them'. As we all you, you don't like anybody, not even yourself, and with very good reason! As mischievous Mercury rolled and clattered his way into nitwit Gemini, you bored everyone you know by talking constantly about work and moaning about how painful your knees are. And, as jolly Jupiter rogered the bollocks off Uranus, the idiot god, you narrowly avoided several traffic accidents, brought about by homicidal maniacs posing as commuters that appeared out of nowhere to run you off the road. One particularly nasty incident with a beer truck drove you (that's a pun) to do your 'nana on your arrival home. In fact, you hurled objects blunt and sharp about the place, just as marauding Mars shoved himself, all unmannerly, into his own addlepate sign of Aries the Ram.
As the New Moon came in leaden Taurus, you took to counting your money (a favourite recreation) in an attempt to calm your shattered sensibilities. You even hired a therapist to help you talk about your troubles. However, when the creature explained what the charges were, you were so shocked you asked if that included any sexual services. Instanter, your professional relationship came to an end.
As the great Sol Invicti rolls drunkenly into idiot Gemini, we are up to date and prognosticating for all we're worth to try and make the most of this last few miserable weeks of malevolent May. As mischievous Mercury gropes the private parts of dark Pluto, underworld god, you argue with a co-worker, fight about your salary package, sue your therapist for not providing sexual services or fall victim to a mysterious nervous affliction that causes you to wave your extremities in a manner insulting to foreigners. This causes further chaos on the roads and, as mischievous Mercury slides into slimy Cancer, brings a raft of persons from your family and other equally odious persuasions that lecture you about how to behave. You nod affably but fantasize about killing them because they're annoying. You begin to think that you should kill everyone that annoys you.
That's when you realize that, as everyone annoys you, it may be that your work is cut out for you as we head down the trail of jaded June. Click here then and see what's occurring, my tiny hircine wretches. Ave!