Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, air sign nitwits! No, wait a moment! What am I saying! How could I insult your intelligence, your strength of character and your deeply spiritual nature in such an odious manner? After all, you are brilliant talkers, ingenious thinkers, artful workers and great contributors to the wealth of humanity, all of you, to a woman and a man. How could I have possibly been so heartless and cruel as to address you as 'nitwits' or indeed as any other vile or loathsome thing? I shall from hereon in only sing your praises and exult in the glory of your joyous existence. No word of insult shall pass my lips, nor shall its letters find the relevant points on my keyboard. What do you think?
Now, back to business as usual! Greetings, air sign nitwits! And how does the month of awful April find you? As we left you last time, you were exulting in riches, power and success beyond measure, though waiting to see if my vile and bitter prognostications as to the nasty turns that may be awaiting you would come to pass. And so they do!
Venus the goddess moves into Taurus and your solar twelfth house, making you more inclined than usual to lie, cheat, steal and have secret affairs. A great many of the aforementioned activities will take place with psychic beauticians, seamen involved with the shipping of beef cattle and confectioners suffering from terminal illness. However, as Mercury the messenger makes tension with giant Jupiter and Chiron the wounded healer, your old problem of fear about your sexual adequacy (or otherwise) crops up again. You visit a therapist who charges you a fortune to listen to your problems (something the rest of us have to do without recompense) and a shamanic healer who bathes you in sow's milk and also charges you a fortune to listen to your problems. As mighty Mars challenges Chiron, you find yourself hiring harlots and rent boys, participating in occult rites and having affairs with jailers and drug-runners in a series of endless but futile attempts to restore your waning confidence. Apart from having quite a bit of fun, you come away from all of this without the desired result and now find your libido is nothing more than a distant memory.
As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Mercury the messenger in Aries, you get severe headache and muscular spasms in the calves and thighs. You discover that these are allergic reactions to the sow's milk bath. You visit a redheaded massage therapist from Capua who practices naturism and lives on a diet of red peppers and radishes. While the spasms pass, your libido does not return. As Venus the goddess tussles with mystic Neptune while mighty Mars clashes with revolutionary Uranus, you experience a spiritual awakening due to some kind of mystical vision involving either daisies and Swedish sea fowl or frenzied prize-fighters making rabbinical prophecies while wearing obsidian jewellery.
Suffice to say that with the NEW MOON in Aries and a raft of tedious aspects between mystic Neptune and sober Saturn, you convert to a weird ascetic cult and decide to give up your old life of deceit and debauchery. However, when mighty Mars moves into your sign the very next day, your libido comes back. You end the ascetic life (one day is enough) and start racing around, looking for other people to have sex with. However, as Mercury the messenger is now in Taurus and your solar twelfth house, you keep getting confused about who you want to see and which way you need to go to see them. When the messenger then squares mystic Neptune, you suddenly remember you were on top of the corporate heap at the start of the month.
Has anybody missed you at work, little air sign nitwits? You haven't been in for some weeks. But, just as you're thinking that you ought to go into the office like normal people do, you're overcome with waves of emotion. Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter in Cancer and your solar second house, and the pair then opposes Chiron the wounded healer in Capricorn and your solar eighth house. You suddenly realize amidst this tide of feeling that it was not your uncle at all who is the source of these fears about your sexual inadequacy. It was actually your mother and her tendency to bribe you with extra pocket money to stay away from the house every time the Spanish gardener came to do the lawns. You are so stunned by this appalling realization that you can almost hear your mother once again explaining that her shrieks of delight were simply her appreciation of the gardener's consummate skill as he trimmed the hedge. As the great Sol Invicti moves into Taurus and your solar twelfth house, you decide to retire from public life (once again) and join a spiritual community, as you cannot bear the shame and the stigma of this trauma.
As Venus the goddess wrestles with revolutionary Uranus and then moves into your sign, you decide that you will develop your companionable qualities and become a friend to all who have need of you. However, as the FULL MOON comes in Scorpio and your solar sixth house, you fall ill at your monastic retreat and are then confined to bed with a sweating condition of the genitalia. As Mercury the messenger then squares revolutionary Uranus and enters your sign, you decide it is the monastic life that is making you sick and so you get up and go back to the real world.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes