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The Sublime Irritations of a Spooky 2005

Great gods alive and dead, my little air sign ninnies! It's time to talk with you again, on the matter of the vile and bitter prognostications for 2005. Insufferable planets strut in silly Sagittarius and your solar seventh house as the year begins. They are too tedious to name and their aspects are too ghastly to recount. Suffice it to say that you will have exciting sexual encounters with authoritative people who are artistic and who may also have problems with drugs or alcohol. Such encounters will not last and may end in overseas travel or items of foreign furniture being thrown about or broken. You will meet people who will become obsessed with you and want to talk even more than you do. Persons will give you money or sexual favours so that you will keep company with them. You will attend a satanic rite or the funeral of a woman involved in business or politics.

THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: The giant one begins the year in Libra and your solar fifth house. You will be sexually profligate (or more sexually profligate) and spend money at the racetrack or on absurd investments about which other people have advised you. You will write a book on growing roses (with a colour-in section), charm people into having sex with you and pretend you know all about everything in order to get invited to parties with famous or important people. When Jupiter moves to Scorpio and your solar sixth house on October 26th, you may become a detective, study psychology or have sex in the office with your co-workers in order to save time with your busy schedule. You may contract a sexual infection that will form the basis for a study by foreign doctors.

THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: The grim one haunts the sign of Cancer and your solar second house as the year begins. Thus you may struggle with finances, spend extra time in the bath and patch together all the leftovers of your soap to save money. You will blame one or both your parents for your poor financial management and will have to do stringent budgets for food and eating out. As miserable Saturn moves to Leo in July, you may learn about growing walnuts, give long and boring lectures on art or preparing marigolds for salads and become so reserved with your communications that everyone will think you're somebody else, which you probably will be. You may have a business plan and discuss it with an elderly person. At a bus stop or whilst out shopping, you may talk to someone with a bad back who wears cheap jewelry.

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