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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of October 2003    Go Forward
    Hola, to you, little two-faced nitwits! Last month we left you demented and in care, with an elderly person running your financial affairs while your career lay in ruins. I've been mulling over what else in the way of cosmic nastiness I could ordain for you in the days and years to come and have had many a secret snigger over the possibilities that present themselves to my state of enlightened irritation. Thus, I thought I would run a few more by you now as we tear the wrapper from that loathsome package, the vile and bitter prognostications for ominous October!

    Hola, little air sign twerps! It's fear and trembling in your cosmic booties as the great gods alive and dead play marbles with the planets and the stars, creating havoc in your lives with their influence on Mars, the malign marauder (courtesy of the mellifluous Scotsman, Mr. D. Leitch). And so it begins!

    The great Sol Invicti clashes with sober Saturn and cranky Chiron, unsettling your financial houses even further as the bills from past lifestyle extravagances mount up. Mercury the messenger enters Libra and you begin constructing fantastical excuses and justifications to uphold your untenable position as the long arm of the law closes in. Venus the goddess enters Scorpio, heading for a conjunction with nasty Neptune and you ask the nurse who is now your lover to research the symptoms of various diseases and how you might fake them in order to delay legal proceedings on health grounds. Being demented is not apparently enough of an excuse!

    Come the Full Moon in odious Aries, you spread stories among your friends about your unpleasant condition. And, of course, you tell a different one on each occasion to see which has the ring of truth most easily swallowed by the gullible, a fair description of most of your friends. Mercury the messenger clashes with cranky Chiron and sober Saturn and you begin answering the phone in a disguised voice to put off anxious creditors. Jolly Jupiter wrangles with nasty Neptune and your legal team hires a legal team to try and protect themselves in case this all goes pear-shaped. Great gods alive and dead, it's getting desperate now, little two-faced twits!

    The great Sol Invicti and Mercury enter gloomy Scorpio, bringing a New Moon in that odious sign. It's time to act, and so you do, feigning a collapse, displaying symptoms of an obscure degenerative disease, uncovered by the secret researches of your own Florence Nightingale. Doctors are called! Emergency surgery is spoken of in hushed tones. Ministers from the Church you belonged to pray at your bedside, some for your eternal damnation, others (of a more flippant disposition) for your redemption. It looks like you'll have the perfect out, as the medical people begin to discuss flying you overseas for treatment. Unfortunately, it all falls apart as sober Saturn moves into reverse motion and the elderly person managing your affairs walks into your bedroom and threatens to thrash you if you don't get out of bed and stop faking. Ye gods and little fishes, this is a crisis, is it not, tiny imbeciles?

    The fear of being beaten and exposed begins to grind against the anxiety of facing the consequences of what you've done! You lie there in a sweat, the hushed tones of the medical help clashing with the strident call of the elderly gent, against the background hum of prayer. You shiver and shake, aching in every limb and with a temperature that threatens to ignite the material of your favourite budgerigar-yellow pyjamas! Then, as Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune, you realize the truth! You are now actually ill!

    It is with an overwhelming sense of relief (for all of us really) that you lose consciousness and lapse into a coma, just in time for Halloween. Will you ever awake? Perhaps not, but then a benighted universe ruled by insane gods is bound to disappoint our fondest hopes, is it not! See you next time, little airhead ninnies!

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