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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of December 2003    Go Forward
    Tally ho and yoicks, little air sign twits! Sorry to be late with the monthly dose of the vile and bitters, but I overslept, largely from lack of interest in remaining conscious. Nonetheless and not to be deterred, here I am, ready to dish up the usual twaddle, this time disguised as the auguries for dreadful December. And what a month it's going to be! Of course, we have missed a little of it, so I'll fill you in.

    Mischievous Mercury moved into miserable Capricorn, causing you to run up a fearsome cell phone bill. Then vamping Venus clashed with lugubrious Saturn and you're up to pussy's bow with scheming and intrigue as you run this new enterprise of yours. As the Full Moon comes in your idiot sign, you're wandering through the grounds of your establishment, thinking about what you can do next to better your fortunes when, suddenly, bright light blinds you and a mysterious humming seems to engulf your being. Is it the night? Is it the Moon? Or is it something else? You're lifted off your feet and begin to ascend to the stratosphere. Perhaps the deity has finally recognized your worth and is bringing you directly to the pearly gates to reward you!

    On reflection, no! Not even likely! But great gods alive and dead, little air sign nitwits, I'll tell you what it is! You're being abducted by aliens! A scout ship for an invading fleet from a far galaxy has kidnapped you as a typical specimen of life on earth to assess what they will be up against upon landing. That'll have them chortling up their silver sleeves!

    Marauding Mars and vamping Venus cavort in unseemly fashion, surrounding you with luminous beings that have travelled from another world. As mischievous Mercury goes retrograde in your solar eighth house, you hear a strange tinkling sound. It's the aliens, speaking in their language. You can't actually understand it, but you somehow know the anal probe is being discussed. And not content with the anal probe (said implement makes your back teeth ache as Mercury clashes with lugubrious Saturn), come the New Moon in miserable Capricorn, there's more tinkling talk, this time of a breeding program.

    Could it be the pitter-patter of little feet and the humming of little antennae? At your first Christmas among your extraterrestrial friends, you find there is a whole new meaning to the concept of flashing lights. I believe this is something to do with the anal probe again, but I couldn't bear to look too deeply into my crystal ball. As retrograde Mercury conjoins with the great Sol Invicti and squares marauding Mars, the breeding program starts, with stirrups, electric currents and a smattering of contortions that threaten to fold your agile limbs into a shape that would fit an empty milk carton. And, actually, little addlepate germs! You enjoy it!

    Idiot Uranus returns to snivelling Pisces and the grand poobah of the aliens materializes out of thin air to study your idiosyncratic reaction. And, as mischievous Mercury re-enters lunatic Sagittarius, you actually begin to understand the tinkling tongue! Great gods alive and dead, tiny idiots! You can speak the language of the stars. You've always wanted to and now you can! What will happen next? Click here and see!

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