- Great Heavens and dancing monkeys! It's you, my little air sign twits! We left you last time, a convert to the cause of silk worm liberation. You had decided to give away the life you had been leading, putting aside your sexual contortions, your massive wealth and your freedom in order to study more of the ways of living things. This study was to be done in a monastic setting, a place deep in a mysterious mountainous region where your jet had recently crashed. The epiphany about silk worms came as you were participating in a Full Moon rite with the monks that dwell there.
So, on with the show for manic March! Here are the vile and bitter prognostications that pertain thereto. Swallow them whole or nibble them in tiny bite-size chunks. Mischievous Mercury clashes with Pluto, dark lord of the underworld as the month begins and you bid your lover a tearful farewell, sending her/him of with a passing train of llamas that once a year arrives to carry mail to this remote and godforsaken place. Then, as marauding Mars clashes with jolly Jupiter, you turn over the management of your affairs to the abbot of the monastery. You ask that your money be devoted in a sane and sensible manner (which is why you've asked someone else to do it) to worthy causes involving silk worms firstly and then animal liberation in all its forms.
As mischievous Mercury moves to arrogant Aries, you set to the task of improving your mind for the great work that lies ahead. You engage in meaningful discussion each day with members of the order on a variety of topics related to silk worms. In no time at all, you're out of your mind with boredom and wondering what it was that moved you to take the path you're on. But a benighted universe ruled by insane gods soon gives you something else to think about.
As marauding Mars and Saturn clash with the Lunar Nodes while the New Moon comes in wretched Pisces, you wake one morning to find you're alone in a deserted monastery. Eek! The monks have gone. What could be happening, tiny idiot things! You wander the confines of the abysmally empty edifice, calling aloud the names of those you know and begging for illuminating discussion on the relative merits of vine leaves and fig leaves in silk worm feeding. But only ghosts are there to answer! Egad! How insubstantial! You quickly use your cell phone to check your bank accounts and find that you've been cleaned out by the abbot. The entire monastery has absconded on the embezzled funds of all that you accumulated whilst acting as a cross-dressing prostitute and pavement artist, a Danny Kaye impersonator and the lover of a demon.
Great gods alive and dead! How can this be happening? You're the one who lies, cheats, steals and pulls the clever scams! And, if this indignity is not enough, mischievous Mercury turns retrograde and the battery runs out in your phone and you find the abbot has turned off the power in the monastery and also made off with the shortwave radio.
Gadzooks, tiny airhead things! You're stranded there. Vile cosmic cacophonies erupt as the great Sol Invicti batters his way into arrogant Aries, casting the shadow of another ghastly Equinox upon a naughty world. Marauding Mars creeps into Aquarius, sign of the idiot god, heading for a conjunction with cranky Chiron. You roam and rage through looming mountains, screaming discontent heavenwards in streams of incoherent babble. A Full Moon comes in loathsome Libra, illuminating the path of the malefic messenger in reverse. Great Caesar's ghost! It feels as if your life is going backwards with him, right to the point of poverty and discontent that sent you out onto the Rue de Nitwit in Paris in the first place, all those months ago!
By my little brown bottle, how can this be! You wander back to the monastery and sit in the gardens, idly wondering when the roses will bloom. What will console you, my agile little addlepates? Perhaps the power of sublime irritation will take you in its maudlin grip and hold you there forever. Or perhaps some greater force will take a hand in your sordid affairs. Click here next time and see. Ta! Ta!