Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, dear two-faces, from the heart of my bottom. How are both of you? The scourge of September awaits you with the threat of wrinkled flesh and geriatric sex (read last month's forecast if you haven't been keeping up) as we find you in some remote oriental backwater, the tragic victim of the conspiracy of a scheming hitman and a bunch of pensioners. An assorted menagerie of masters, servants and assorted livestock now contemplate your lissome proportions with a lascivious gleam in their aged and rheumy eyes.
Such a prospect causes (for a moment only) the ghost of a smile to cross the grim and gloomy landscape of my countenance. In fact, to expand on that point, the thought of the suffering of others is one of the few things that almost convinces me there is indeed some modicum of solace to be had from the insane cosmos we inhabit. In that respect, dear two-faces, your sufferings are, in reality, neither better nor worse than those of others! They're just more colourful, given your penchant for wearing ridiculous clothing with a somewhat irritating combination of hues.
As the scourge of September begins, Mercury the messenger moves into Libra and your solar fifth house. You find yourself immersed in the fantastic nature of these tragic events. Your mind and imagination race as you begin constructing a computer game based on your abduction and imminent fate, a quirky little undertaking that you'll doubtless be able to sell to one of your irritating Aquarian friends involved in the software trade. No creative opportunity should ever be wasted, should it, two-faces!
But when the FULL MOON comes in Pisces and your solar tenth house, you find yourself at the mercy of your new master and unable to talk your way out of trouble as usual for your native tongue is spoken nowhere in the immediate vicinity. And anyway, it's not speech that creates an interest in your tongue in this neck of the woods. And when the great Sol Invicti in Virgo and your solar fourth house wrestles with underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, in your own sign on September 4th, you realize the captive nature of your situation. You put all thoughts of games and profits from sales aside and begin to panic in the time-honoured and traditional way. On September 8th, giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens wrestles with Mercury the messenger while mighty Mars enters Capricorn and your solar eighth house (Scorpio's house, you know, sex, torture, all that sort of thing). Thus, you're bound and gagged, and receiving the very jolliest of rogerings from the most geriatric of sexual equipment. Oh well! There are worse fates. I just can't think of one off hand.
And, adding insult to injury (or is that the other way around), the mid month sees giant Jupiter in Cancer and your solar second house making cosmic mayhem with Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar seventh house while Venus the goddess opposes revolutionary Uranus. Back at home, the hitman and the pensioners are siphoning off your funds, increasing their personal wealth at the expense of your own. In one end and out the other as they say!
By the time of the NEW MOON in Virgo and your solar fourth house on September 17th, they've actually sold your apartment as well. However all is not to remain so gruesome and wrinkled in perpetuity, no matter what the rest of us might wish on your behalf. In one of those irritating quirks of fate that intervene in the lives of lesser mortals (spoiling what little fun I actually get), the offspring of one of the menagerie of aging assailants takes pity on your straightened circumstances and, horror of horrors, falls in love with your reprehensible person.
Come the EQUINOX on September 22nd, as the great Sol Invicti moves into Libra and your solar fifth house, there are movements afoot in the far kingdom in which you're held prisoner that are not of a thrusting nature. The daughter/son of the aging potentate whose captive you are decides that she/he will marry you and make you heir to this ancient kingdom. Sadly, the potentate agrees as your constant talking has caused his libido to fail anyway, despite the fact that he can't understand a word you say (this may be a blessing he has not yet realized). So, while your stocks fall at home, they rise in a foreign land. Who knows what evil dreams you will dream to gain your revenge! Click here next month and find out.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes