Hola, my saucy things of knavish tricks and other such! It has been a while since we've spoken, a great disappointment for you but a blessed relief for me. Life is the mistress of paradox, is she not! I slept through awful April. And no doubt you now wish you had done the same. Ah well! Wisdom is not the destiny of all. In fact, it's not even a likely acquisition for the denizens of the benighted universe ruled by insane gods, among which you are numbered.
And so I have risen from my bed of woe to guide you once again along the ghastly corridors of another odious month, malevolent May in this instance. As usual, I've missed a deal of it but we shall catch up on the outstanding sorrows then prognosticate in the accustomed vile and bitter manner upon the even more sorrowful future. It is I, tiny lunatics! Asperitus, baffling bard, piffling prophet and oracle of bitter truth!
As the month began with a Full Moon in evil Scorpio, you will have sickened from an eruption of vile humours or had an affair with a co-worker, which may be very much indistinguishable phenomena, when one thinks, if one ever does, which is fairly unlikely! Mischievous Mercury and the great Sol Invicti then played merry hell with the private parts of grim Saturn and you took a job selling cell phones to people on life support or you had a sobering encounter with a drunken elderly person whilst travelling on public transport. The upshot of this was wheedling requests for money (vamping Venus in slimy Cancer) or confusing conversations about life (mischievous Mercury groping narcotic Neptune). As jolly Jupiter made ghastly and concupiscent motions in the nether regions of Uranus, the idiot god, those around you experienced the throes religious ecstasy or political extremism or just largely behaved like raving loonies. If there's a notable difference between this and your normal life, kindly email someone that cares upon the subject. In the meantime, mischievous Mercury entered your own appalling sign and so you resigned from your job and got another one, while talking interminably in that way you have that generally drives normal people to flee your company, hit you with a blunt object or at the very least tell you to be quiet.
Thus, we account for the past. As usual, it varies little from the appointed path of heartache and sorrow, with a little earache thrown in because you talk too much (as we recently discussed). So we come unto the present moment whereupon there is a mighty thresh and flail in the Heavens as marauding Mars delivers a well aimed rude bit into the nether regions of dark Pluto then batters his way to arrogant Aries.
By my sainted aunt! What an indignity! The world may never recover from the shock of what is to come with this insane turn upon the mad wheel of life. Suddenly, my darling twits, you find you are surrounded by red-haired friends that want to have sex with you or do dangerous things with explosives, fire, knives or chillies. As a New Moon then comes in cloddish Taurus and your solar twelfth house (eek), you begin secret affairs with those of them that have the most money or the biggest accoutrements.
As the busy messenger dodges hither and thither in the nether regions of the Loony Nodes, you pass from one assignation to the next at high velocity, riding on the backs of flimsy excuses for your various comings and goings. By the time the great Sol Invicti clatters drunkenly into your appalling sign, you've accumulated funds enough to begin a new venture on your own behalf. Mischievous Mercury grapples lasciviously with dark Pluto and you buy a company belonging to a bitter rival, bankrupt the creature then re-employ the poor broken thing for a pittance as your sex slave and coffee person (ghastly planets too tedious to name are responsible).
But what's this? Ye gods and little fishes! It seems revenge was sweet at first but now a hideous thing has most hideously occurred as a revolting development develops. Jolly Jupiter makes concupiscent congress with Uranus, the idiot god! And, just as you're in congress with your slave, you find (shock/horror) you've fallen in love with the creature. Egad! Now there's a first! An emotional response from the airhead! Great giggling garters and griping grandmothers! Change truly is the condition, is it not! Click here next time and discover what further nasty protuberances you will discover on life's potato! In the meantime, hail and farewell, my tiny trollops!