Tally ho, my little yoicks! Your irritating loquacity will be restrained more than somewhat this month. While mischievous Mercury cavorts in your sign, he will do so in unspeakable congress with grim Saturn who begins to move forward in nasty little Virgo. You'll worry over money, struggle with domestic chores and endure lectures from critical parents on tidiness, attention to detail and dietary matters.
As a ghastly New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus, you will retreat into the inner sanctum of your mind (eek) to dwell in a world of fantasy and delusion. You will join a cult, lose a fortune on the stock market with a Mexican broker and eat vast amounts of sweets while haemorrhaging your credit card with telephone psychic readings. The psychics say you will travel overseas so you run away from home to live in Brighton or Bremen or on the shore of the Black Sea, leaving behind friends and all that is familiar. You contemplate eternity or something equally interesting (ugh) till, at the Full Moon in evil Scorpio, the sexual infection you contracted last month returns.
As the great Sol Invicti clatters drunkenly into your sign, you buy a book on herbs and feed yourself foul-tasting concoctions till your throat becomes so sore you forget about the problem in your nether regions. As you feel you're cured, you decide to train as a herbalist, just as mischievous Mercury moves into perverse reverse in your house of career. However, when you discover how long the course of study is, you drop the idea and sit on the shores of the Black Sea, wondering why your parents go on at you about making your bed and picking up your clothes. You try to ring them and ask but there's no reception on your cell phone.
There we leave you, little lunatics, perched upon the sand dunes, wondering how many times you can change your mind before the tide comes in. Not as many as you think! Ta ta for now, tiny twerps!