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  The Jaded Japes of June 2008 Â

Gadzooks, my little two-faced twits! Nasty relatives will ruin your life at home by nagging you, as grim Saturn in Virgo gropes the twitching limbs of idiot Uranus in noxious November. Bosses or authorities will have fits or behave eccentrically so you quit your job, run to hide under the bed at home and occupy yourself by counting the threads in the sheets. Your elderly builder will walk off the job till your pay the bill. You change your profession, turn your home into a laboratory or take drugs to cope with your responsibilities.

After falling under the influence of a mysterious guru, you will introduce ecstatic dancing at the media company where you work. You will also strip your house back to the basics so you can live more simply, eating boiled rice, nuts and caraway seeds. You'll sit at home, grimly depressed and counting the cracks in the walls, but behave like a lunatic at work.

TIPS FOR JADED JUNE:

You talk too much and confuse everyone that listens! You'll forget what you're doing, get distracted or trip over people or the furniture. People seem unbearably irritating so you insult your boss or members of the public. You'll leave your car somewhere, but a foreign stranger will find it and bring it home to you, expecting sex or money. An explosive encounter follows, with gruesome physical activities and a lot of shouting.

Vamping Venus and the great Sol Invicti next slip into slimy Cancer and you'll shop for food, toilet paper and false breasts for your next costume party. You will also purchase hallucinogenic toothpaste. Forsooth I am grievous weary of your shenanigans and long for the solace of the silver pipe. Tune in next time to discover if your visions will raise you to the luminous heights, or dump you to the dismal depths.

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