Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, little lions! Great and numberless are the praises I would sing of you and all your kind. That's, of course, if I could think of any, which I can't. There is no drug I've encountered that would lead me down the paths of such puerile fantasy as that. Thus I will content myself (as you must content yourselves) with the insulting drivel that I write and, of course, the vile and bitter prognostications for the upcoming month. In this instance, miserable March is the villain. Quake and tremble in your fur-lined slippers, pusillanimous pussies! I am Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth! And hereby do I prognosticate upon your idiotic futures!
Last month you sold a brothel and bought a funeral parlour, all for the sake of love as you wrote yet another tedious act in the ongoing farce of your lives. This month, mighty Mars moves into Taurus and your solar tenth house so you may well become a surgeon, buy a brewery or take over a steel or timber mill. That's of course if you can find yet another imbecile who can be pressured into believing you have a certain something about you and thus fall in love. To my mind, little furry nitwits, you have more than just a 'certain something'! You have several very particular things. These are, in no set order, pride, stubbornness, vanity and a complete inability to see people as anything other than an extension of your own desires.
As the month begins, an unspeakable gathering of planets and luminary bodies comes in your solar seventh and eighth houses so you'll doubtless be irritating others and interfering in their business when they're not doing the very same thing to you. As giant Jupiter is now moving forward again in Cancer and your solar twelfth house, you'll fall prey to bouts of weeping and moaning as old memories of childhood distress and trauma come to light. You know the sort of thing. Having your hairstyle criticized! Being told what to do! Not being allowed to tell others what to do! Being asked to help with household chores and having to clean up after yourself. And don't forget being punished for simply talking for more than four hours without letting anyone else get a word in. Quelle horreur! What would they have said that was worth listening to anyway? However, leaving this nonsense aside, the great Sol Invicti in Pisces and your solar eighth house tests underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar fifth house. Thus you find your recent spending sprees have been more than a little creative, bringing a bout of tedious criticism from the hapless bean-counters in your employ. You instruct them not to criticize you, hit them several times and, as Venus the goddess moves into Aries and your solar ninth house, decide to go on a holiday to Marseilles.
As Mercury the messenger then conjoins with revolutionary Uranus before moving on into Pisces, you decide not to take your current beloved with you. Leave them at the mortuary. After all, it will serve them right as they were rash enough to agree with the bean-counters about your extravagant spending. When Venus the goddess squares giant Jupiter, you immediately fall in love with the first beautiful French person you see. And, come the NEW MOON in Pisces and your solar eighth house, you take a second mortgage on the mortuary. Thus, you will be able to really relax and enjoy your new romantic pursuits. Little do you know that as mighty Mars wrestles with mystic Neptune, plots are being laid against you back at home. And, yikes and double yikes, such plots are being laid by your nearest and dearest (a whole string of them stretching well back into the past now). Great Heavens, little pussies! Surely these are they who should love you no matter what you do! How sad! As the great Sol Invicti moves into Aries, heading for tension with giant Jupiter, a bevy of onetime in-laws and legal persons marshals a force against you, an innocent happily on holiday in France. Then, as Mercury the messenger wrestles in the cosmos with underworld Pluto, urgent communications come with regard to your financial affairs. Your funds are frozen, hairdressing types!
Come the FULL MOON in Libra and your solar third house, desperate messages fly back and forth across the globe. As the messenger then moves into Aries, you decide it's time to strike back. You enter the arena of battle against any and all who won't do what you tell them to (a capital crime), and who won't give you the praise you deserve (blasphemy, no doubt of it) and the deathless loyalty you have earned by being born (sacrilege). I'm feeling a little faint now. I must sleep. But, do come back next month and see if we can carry this idiotic drivel just a little further.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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