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    Go Back  The Oracle of Bitter Truth for April 2002    Go Forward
    Salutations, little feline atrocities! How are the enticing waves in your luscious locks this month? Are they obeying your every wish and the stern discipline of mousse and gel? Do the hairdressers of the world line up to give praise and do justice to the magnificent adornment of your pate? Do fashion designers vie for the honour of garbing your regal persons? Do interior decorators resort to fisticuffs for the glory of splashing the house of the monarch with elegant colours and useless ornaments? And, if the answer to all of the above is 'yes', when will the star ship come to transport you and these unspeakable creatures to the planet on which you truly belong? On further consideration, you may add Internet service providers and Tel-co directors to this list. On even further consideration, you may all remain here, as this benighted planet infested, as it is, with the bacterium of humanity is doubtless the most appropriate repository for you and all of your indescribably irrelevant friends and associates. God, I'm exhausted now from even thinking about you. For god's sake! Let us proceed with the vile and bitter prognostications before I expire from the strain of it all!

    The month of awful April begins with giant Jupiter in the sign of Cancer and your solar twelfth house wrestling with Chiron the wounded healer in Capricorn and your solar sixth house. The great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger raise merry hell by testing out this axis of discontent. Doubtless the legal squabbles and clashes with in-laws will have tested your health severely so that you may find yourself contemplating another life or even life in another realm (too much too hope for really). Venus the goddess moves into Taurus and your solar tenth house, so you'll meet either a tobacconist with an interest in music and a passion for chocolate or a smoking confectioner with a passion in music or a musician addicted to cigarettes and confectionery. My god, you lead an interesting life, little feline imbeciles! You will, of course, fall in love, hoping that this latest member of your adoring court will nurse you through any ill-health and support you in your battle against the evil in-laws!

    As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Mercury the messenger, you cast the die, raise the flag and cross the Rubicon, in the manner of all sad and tragic persons who require metaphors from the worlds of sporting or military activity to communicate their intentions to others. Nonetheless, you are at war with those who oppose you. I think we said this last month but then you fixed signs do tend to repeat yourselves. As Venus the goddess squares mystic Neptune, disgruntled ex-partners (the ones responsible for the angry in-laws) try to seduce your new partner with tales of your vanity and meanness. As mighty Mars squares revolutionary Uranus, you then hire a bevy of butchers, brain surgeons and thugs to wreak a terrible revenge on these recalcitrant individuals from your past.

    Come the NEW MOON in Aries and your solar ninth house, we find you eating food in foreign fields such as Marseilles, Saragossa, Naples or Leicester while your new legal initiatives move ahead with speed. Mighty Mars enters Gemini and your solar eleventh house and all your friends with nervous conditions and respiratory problems rally to help you. Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and your solar tenth house and you walk around, talking with that pompous pretense at plain speech that makes you sound like the idiot you are.

    As Mercury then squares mystic Neptune, the gossip and scandal about you reach a fever pitch as old lovers sell their diaries to the popular press. Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter, opposing Chiron the wounded healer, and you fall prey to such a bout of grief and weeping that you go through three jars of mousse in a single afternoon. The great Sol Invicti enters Taurus while Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus and a wave of change sweeps over you. You decide to retire from the fray, thus dropping your lawsuit. You'd rather suffer nobly than be dragged through the mud of these base allegations. Besides, your lawyer has told that you're certain to lose anyway. Venus the goddess moves into Gemini and your solar eleventh house, and you decide to get a new set of friends.

    Come the FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar fourth house, you retreat to a secret home in the countryside, as you can no longer bear the sneers and jeers of a cruel and unkind world. When Mercury the messenger then squares revolutionary Uranus and moves into Gemini and your solar eleventh house, you are stricken with a nervous condition of the calf muscles and begin falling down a lot. Dear me! What a shame! Come back next month and see if you get better.

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    Aries, the Ram

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    Gemini, the Twins

    Cancer, the Crab
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    Sagittarius, the Archer

    Capricorn, the Sea Goat
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    Aquarius, the Water Bearer
    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

    Pisces, the Fishes
    Pisces, the Fishes

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