Asperitus Casting Runes...
Hooray, my hairdressing vanities! It's all hands on deck and 'row, row, row your boat' this month, if you've been keeping up with your reading. If you haven't, kindly attend to last month's forecast and do try to follow what I tell you in future. Such pursuits as I am obliged to engage in are odious enough without having to pander to your limited attention span, my little darlings of self-obsession and inflated pride. Anyway, back to the boat and the vile and bitter prognostications for jittery July.
There you are, deserted by your puling friends and with nary a gram of hair gel to hand. And, what's more, if you want to go any further on this inane spiritual quest of yours, you'll have to do all the work with no one to praise your efforts or help you wallow (nobly of course) in your maudlin sufferings. Oh dear! To think that life could be so cruel. It almost makes one believe that this is no more than a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! In fact, it is! So there you are.
Under a raft of tedious planetary aspects involving the sign of Cancer and your solar twelfth house, you fall into a stupor on the open sea. You begin dreaming and perhaps become the Ancient Mariner. The words distantly remembered from school roll through your delirium –
But wait, little nincompoops! What's this? A beard! Beards aren't fashionable! They're very retro, aren't they! But then, retro is in, isn't it! What will you do? Call a fashion consultant! But you're stranded alone on a wide wide sea. There's that poem again! Perhaps you should just shoot the albatross and skip to part where you waste away, suffering nobly in a bed of seaweed! But then, that's what you're doing! Ye gods, little nincompoops! This isn't a dream at all.
There was an ancient mariner and he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye...'
Come the Full Moon in dreary Capricorn, you're in feverish attrition. What you wouldn't give for a cappuccino and a permanent wave. The sea salt is hell! However, everything changes as Venus the goddess opposes Chiron the wounded healer and Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune! A vision of loveliness climbs into your boat, a veritable goddess/god of the deep, with a retinue of dark-eyed mermaids and mermen following in her/his inexpressibly beautiful wake. She/he caresses your fevered brow and your salt-dried locks fall into place as if fudged by the hands of Heaven. She/he bids the merfolk serve you cappuccino with cinnamon and chocolate, laced with that special lite sugar you love so much and your favourite biscotti on the side. 'Come,' she/he calls. 'Join me and rule at my side in the kingdom of the sea!' What can you say, little things of might and mien! Of course you will!
As the great Sol Invicti enters your sign and Jupiter conjoins with Mercury, you sink to the depths of the undersea kingdom with sea goddess/god and the retinue! Come the New Moon, you're ensconced on a watery throne with the treasure from Davy Jones' locker about your wrists and neck while a thousand sea horses gambol for your delectation. But it's then that mighty Mars turns retrograde in the watery sign of Pisces and you realize you can't breathe under water!
You begin to scream and wake to find yourself in a sinking boat with water up to your nostrils. The undersea kingdom was yet another delirious dream. As Mercury moves into Virgo, you begin wearily to bale out the waters and paddle towards an island you see in the distance. Will you get there in time? Or will you be sucked beneath the waves and disappear forever, thus leaving me with only eleven forecasts to write in future. I know what I would prefer, little vacuous vanities! Yet equally do I know the path of sublime irritation! Click here next month if you've a mind for more of this twaddle!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes