Asperitus Casting Runes...
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- Hola and hooray, little flatulent vanities! Last time we left you on the open sea, rowing for dear life after a succession of delirious fantasies had drawn you into Davy Jones' locker and nearly turned the key. So what does the month of awful August hold for the sons and daughters of hair gel? Why of course, its vile and bitter prognostications, delivered as usual by myself, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, as if you didn't know! So why waste time discussing your empty-headed friends, your cretinous behaviour and your unspeakably monstrous vanity? Let us proceed to predicting the awful doom that even now is gathering at the outer reaches of your irritating presence.
The great Sol Invicti opposes nasty Neptune and people smile and wave in a welcoming manner as you near the foreshore. Mercury clashes with mighty Mars and you curse the names of those who deserted you as you struggle with blistering fingers and unwieldy oars. Venus the goddess wrestles with mystic Neptune and gentle hands lift you, exhausted from your ordeal, and carry you ashore. Soothing unguents are rubbed into your sore bits.
Come the Full Moon in imbecile Aquarius, you're garbed in raiment soft as silk, tended by those same loving hands. A gaggle of planets comes in your odious sign and the attentive retinue surrounds you. Is this yet another fantasy, hairdressing types? Will you awake to find yourself alone on the wide wide sea? Not this time! Finally, someone steps forward from this bevy of mysterious beauties and speaks. You it appears are the chosen one, whose coming was predicted long ago. The folk have waited for the beautiful one (myopia abounds in such lonely places as these) to come from the sea and lead them in the arcane rites of their people.
As Venus and the great Sol Invicti move into Virgo, they begin laying out the vestments and implements of ritual, leaving you to consider matters. Venus the goddess opposes mighty Mars and they begin laying themselves out for it appears you must have sex with each of them as part of the preparation. You stop considering and agree instantly.
Jolly Jupiter moves into Virgo. The New Moon comes in that same sign and the rite begins. Fires and incense burn. Dancing and eldritch chanting fills the lonely beach where you are the centre of attention, the celebrant in the midst of a ring beauties you have so recently known in the Biblical sense.
All seems to be going well until Mercury the messenger turns retrograde and the great Sol Invicti clashes with mighty Mars. It is only now you discover the rite is to culminate in the death of the chosen one! Great gods and merciful Heavens, little hairdressing types! That's you! Is this the end of your vain and useless life! Click here next month and see!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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