Odds bodkins, my puling pussy folk! Sit up properly and listen while I'm talking! These are the vile and bitter prognostications for 2005. Kindly eat them all up and don't leave a scrap in pussy's bowl. Nitwit planets disport themselves in silly Sagittarius as the year begins and you will have affairs, eat and drink to excess and constantly talk about ridiculous creative ideas. You will design fashion accessories and go into business and make a fortune. You may design a footwear item called 'mighty boots' which allow the wearer to trek in wild places and walk on any terrain no matter how rugged. Or, you will design an appalling piece of neckwear called 'pussy's bow'.
Enough said! If you invent 'mighty boots', you will become a wild and reckless adventurer, laughing at danger as you drink too much and brag about your exploits in the wild. You will have a stream of affairs to show just what a mighty type you are. If, on the other hand, you invent 'pussy's bow', you will become unspeakably effete, sit about stylishly, talk in an exaggerated manner but do nothing useful. You will hold tea parties and compare the respective merits of foreign teas while laughing loudly, much to the chagrin of anyone of intelligence and taste who happens to be near. Fortunately, no one like this will be around in the foreseeable future. You will revive the art of 'poodle-faking' and give lavish dinners.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the giant one in Libra as the year begins, you will talk with lawyers or humanitarians as though you understand or care about what they do. You may pretend to take educational courses for the sake of having other people around you. You will make a fortune in sales and marketing with a popular idea. As Jupiter moves to Scorpio on October 26th, you will buy a lavish home where you will eat, drink and take drugs to excess. You will buy books on the occult and study to become a sorcerer in the privacy of your own home.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With the grim one in Cancer and your solar twelfth house (eek) as the year begins, you will suffer from deep fear or anxiety, have nightmares about your childhood or early family life and have a secret sexual relationship with an elderly or infirm person. When Saturn moves to your sign in July, you will be hard-nosed and grim, determined to have what you want at all costs. You will tell other people what to do and not allow anyone to make decisions for themselves. You will wear florid garments, style your mane outrageously and cover yourself with expensive jewelry. You may suffer from a bad back or, at the very least, a stiff neck. You may receive communications from people that you know who can't tell the difference between this and your usual behaviour.