Asperitus Casting Runes...
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- Greetings, little horrors of mousse and hair gel! Welcome to the vile and bitter prognostications for dreadful December! Last month we left you with those painful words 'I'm sorry' stuck like stones in your stiff-necked gullet. They say that 'pride comes before a fall' so the precipice now opens at your very paws. These words would save you from jail and from the twin demons named 'bad hair' and 'brutal beatings' that wait at the gates of the house of detention! But can you utter them, proud creature? Will you say them and save yourselves? Let's see! O by the way, I apologize for being late with my forecast, but I overslept at the end of nasty November and one holds onto the bliss of unconsciousness as best one can.
You didn't miss much but let me recount what occurred. Mischievous Mercury moved into miserable Capricorn, bringing minor health problems and depressed co-workers (one of them possibly a sibling). Vamping Venus then clashed with lugubrious Saturn, causing elderly female colleagues to gossip about the appalling family secrets this recent contretemps has revealed. Thus, we stand at the Full Moon in asinine Gemini and your solar eleventh house and the impasse is fast becoming a rift of major proportion. Under a raft of nasty aspects (by my little brown bottle, is there nothing but nastiness in the cosmos?), offers of further money are batted back and forth to no avail! Extended negotiations come to naught under the weight of bitter recriminations about secret envies and slights dredged up from the past!
As marauding Mars batters his way into belligerent Aries, angry in-laws yell at you in the streets and strike at your hair! Great gods alive and dead, must they be so cruel! Mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in miserable Capricorn and, as the office gossip reaches new heights, you trip over some cables at work and ruin a new shirt! Vamping Venus moves into odious Aquarius and you engage a mediator of a somewhat attractive nature in a further attempt to settle this tawdry affair to little apparent effect.
But as the great Sol Invicti enters Capricorn, bringing a New Moon in that miserable sign, your health fails under the strain. Your Christmas dinner is a shabby affair as sharp glances and sharp words bring indigestion at a remarkable rate. Suddenly, you're seized with an ague, as mischievous Mercury clashes with marauding Mars. By my little brown bottle, it's an exotic affair from foreign climes with mischievous Mercury in your solar ninth house! You fall to the floor, limbs aching, quaking and shaking. Doctors are called, as eager relatives consult the phone book to track down the names of reputable funeral parlours.
Idiot Uranus returns to tear-stained Pisces and you're rushed to an isolation ward where doctors study you through close circuit cameras, for fear of coming too close since this fever is so far unknown in the civilized world. Once again, you have something quite special, puling pussies! Mischievous Mercury re-enters nitwit Sagittarius and the Yuletide festivities break up in disarray as your odious offspring squabble over potential litigations relating to the will and who shall pay the costs of treating you. As we leave you sinking into the sunset of the old year, little hair gel horrors, worried medical professionals study your condition by remote control and vindictive family members hack into the hospital system to monitor your condition. They do so to see if the elusive words 'I'm sorry' will escape your lips in a rattling breath that could well be your last.
But what's this? Don't look so glum, puling pussy folk! You don't have to die! You may well live! I haven't decided. But, by my little brown bottle, I soon will for I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth and the skeins of your fate are wound around my irritable fingers. Send money to this site and you may well live. Send more money and you may well live to have revenge. God I'm bored now. I must sleep. Farewell, fractious felines!
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 Aries, the Ram
 Taurus, the Bull
 Gemini, the Twins
 Cancer, the Crab
 Leo, the Lion
 Virgo, the Virgin
 Libra, the Scales
 Scorpio, the Scorpion
 Sagittarius, the Archer
 Capricorn, the Sea Goat
 Aquarius, the Water Bearer
 Pisces, the Fishes
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