Asperitus Casting Runes...
- Greetings, puling pussies! Hail to thee, vacuous vanities and hairdressing types! Welcome to 2004 and the vile and bitter prognostications thereof. And these are special prognostications, my insufferable little felines! Written just for you!
With lugubrious Saturn beginning the year in loathsome Cancer and your solar twelfth house, you'll feel tired, ineffectual and wish to retire from life. The first of these is unusual, the second is the truth anyway and the third is the advisable course of action since nobody likes you anyway, except for that vapid sycophant you encounter every time you look in the mirror. However, as marauding Mars in arrogant Aries and your solar ninth house clashes with Saturn from the outset, there is conflict with in-laws, tension with foreigners and nasty encounters with aggressive academics. Overseas travel is not advised if you want to keep the 'wet' look in your hair, as you may be troubled by fires, firearms or a surfeit of chili when on foreign soil.
With vamping Venus conjoining nasty Neptune in fatuous Aquarius and your solar seventh house, you may feel jaded in relationships or, conversely, you could be fooled into believing someone cares for you by thinking you're in love. The more foolish among you will have your credit card stolen by someone with whom you have a brief affair. With cranky Chiron in miserable Capricorn and your solar sixth house, you'll be troubled by minor health matters and go on a diet of nuts and berries while drinking only caffeine free tea and using herbal toothpaste. Great gods alive and dead! Imagine if someone saw you behaving in this manner!
Mischievous Mercury is retrograde in Sagittarius and your solar fifth house as the year begins so you'll receive garbled communications from your children overseas. They'll either want money or have married a foreign person and want your blessing. Jolly Jupiter in Virgo and your solar second house will see you counting your pennies and turning off electric lights all over the house so as to save money on power. You will shop discount stores and haggle over the price of everything you buy.
However, with idiot Uranus in Pisces and your solar eighth house, you begin to live a double life, mixing with shadowy underworld figures and having seedy affairs with sexually profligate persons who you can only meet in the dead of night. You drink, take drugs and learn the secret haunts of villains and come to understand the ins and outs of the villainies they perpetrate. Largely, you do this because your daily life is unspeakably dull, due to herbal toothpaste, a diet of nuts and general stinginess. When jolly Jupiter moves into loathsome Libra and your solar third house, you publish a book of your underworld adventures under a pseudonym and become incredibly rich and successful for being someone else, which is the only real chance you have at success when you think about it properly. Enjoy your year, little feline ninnies!