Asperitus Casting Runes...
- Hail to you, hairdressing types! Last month we left you in a coma, watched over by angry and avaricious relatives, playing the vulture to your dying swan. So, what will the developments for this month bring? Why then listen as I prognosticate in my customary vile and bitter manner for I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth.
Well, little feline travesties, with cranky Chiron and mischievous Mercury in miserable Capricorn, it's touch and go for a while! In fact, as the great Sol Invicti conjoins with nasty Neptune, the aforementioned relatives are praying for the safe passage of your soul to the fate they feel it deserves (we haven't the time, the space or the vocabulary to go into that here). And, with idiot Uranus in the house of death and an odious Full Moon in your fatuous sign, it seems, my puling pussies that the worst comes to the worst.
You find yourself floating in the vicinity of the ceiling, watching anxious relatives holding mirrors to your mouth or cushions to your face, depending on their dispositions. A tunnel of light opens before your eyes. Angels sing in harmony, as is usual with angelic beings! By my little brown bottle, it seems you've bought the farm, shuffled off the mortal coil, pushed up the daisies and joined the choir invisible. You're dead, my nitwit felines! Or are you? A distraught ex-lover attempts to administer an erotic variant on the last rites (vamping Venus in Aries). Surgeons hover distractedly in protective clothing (marauding Mars and miserable Saturn). But you hover distractedly as well! Torn between the beckoning light and the mortal coil, you're poised but undecided.
Great gods alive and dead! This is a near death experience! If you recover, you'll probably be on television, a 'must have' guest on talk shows. You hear a sound! What's this? You look down the tunnel of light and find that it's your dead relatives calling you, relatives every bit as odious and grasping as the live ones who hover at your bedside. Quite a lot of hovering is being done at this momentous time, you'll notice. It's all part of the spiritual side of life about which you're learning.
The New Moon comes in wretched Pisces, conjoined with idiot Uranus and you make up your mind to live. Slowly, gently, with nary a flutter of curtains nor a breaking of wind, your spirit eases back into the lifeless body on the bed, reanimating it in a somewhat ghastly but subtle fashion. You're you again! Gods, what a gruesome thought!
Marauding Mars clashes with nasty Neptune and you deliver a broadside of 'shock/horror' to attendant surgeons and relatives by sitting up and saying, 'I'm back!' And back you are, little pussy folk! With a vengeance! Unbeknownst to you or anyone else, you've escaped the clutches of Hades and brought back with you a strange power from Hell. A mighty gift such as was given the heroes of old who ventured to the underworld. What will it be, my resurrected ones? Click here next month and see!