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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of May 2004  Go Forward
    Greetings, little leonine twerps! How is everything in the land of the pussy folk? Last time, we left you staring at yourself in the mirror, a position so familiar for persons of your unspeakable sign that I could not remember why you were there. Thus, the unthinkable occurred. I had to go back and read again what I had written for awkward April. I have only recently recovered from this appalling ordeal (though I must say the necessary medication was an excellent brew), but I now have a vague recollection of some strange power that had come to you in a ‘near death’ experience.

    This power enabled you to command the will of others and thus would, in the end, bring all the world to do your bidding. You had made a start with several persons last time and were set to begin the cult of the Power. However, the vile and bitter prognostications for manic May are about to send this plan awry and condemn your aspirations to a merciful oblivion. And, believe me, there is nothing I favour more than merciful oblivion.

    The month begins with an unfortunate Full Moon in morbid Scorpio that brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar fourth house. Thus you collapse and fall to the floor, emotionally drained by the massive exertion that controlling the Power seems to require. Your weakened condition is also due to the presence of miserable Saturn in your solar twelfth house, an ordeal that will go on as long and as painfully as the path of sublime irritation can manage on your behalf. The medical personnel on hand simply leave you there as the trance is now broken and they have more interesting things to do such as cleaning their toenails and weeding their window boxes.

    Marauding Mars enters neurotic Cancer and the various family members who’ve been waiting around hoping for you to die so they can collect their inheritance now begin to kick while you’re down so as to advance their expectations as speedily as possible. Mischievous Mercury returns to Taurus and various minor authorities come to your door, knocking and demanding entry but you’re too weak to respond.

    Vamping Venus turns retrograde and your friends desert you (both of them), leaving you prone on the floor as your hair now looks appalling and they wonder what they ever saw in you. Come the New Moon in cloddish Taurus, your mother arrives to take over the running of your affairs, moaning constantly that she always knew it would come to this. You’re picked up, cleaned up and placed in bed as a series of more benign cosmic aspects temporarily hold sway.

    As the great Sol Invicti clashes with idiot Uranus, your mother hires a psychotherapist to come to your bedside. There he reads out a list of the things that are wrong with you, a list your mother has spent most of your life compiling and which she has thoughtfully passed on to this person. As mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune, siblings and ex-employers are also invited round to contribute to the bun fight. Then all of your ex-friends come by and tell you how they never liked you in the first place and your clothes and hair always looked really stupid.

    At this point you lapse into unconsciousness because you can never take fair criticism and are, at this point, too weak to get up and hit people so unconsciousness is your only recourse. Thus, we leave you in unspeakable pain. Click here next month and see if there’s an anaesthetic to be found!

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