Yikes and double yikes, little hairdressing types! When we left you last time, the Power had once again asserted itself as you rose from your bed of woe and threw off the unwholesome influence of your mother, your therapist and a gaggle of ungrateful friends! You stormed into the streets to track new paths for your destiny.
So, where will the vile and bitter prognostications lead you in the month of joyless July? Well, I’ll tell you! A Full Moon comes in miserable Capricorn and your solar sixth house and you decide to get a job, start working and lead a normal life once more. But life is not that simple, my little hair gel nitwits, is it! Marauding Mars in your sign sees you striding along the boulevard. However, a clash between same and idiot Uranus sees a passerby make a rude remark about your hair and you turn the Power on them in an instant, unwilling to accept such cruelty anymore, heedless of the consequences of what you do. The force of you hurls this peasant to the pavement. It appears a normal life is still a somewhat elusive proposition. Mischievous Mercury moves into your sign and you begin to rant and rave against all the injustices you have ever experienced for just being ‘you’.
However, the great Sol Invicti conjoins with miserable Saturn, ably supported in the task by jolly Jupiter and you find you’re restrained by the strong arms of grim authority and thus temporarily incarcerated for questioning. Great gods alive and dead, the Heavens are a mess, little pussy folk! And so are your lives as marauding Mars and mischievous Mercury wreak havoc with the Lunar Nodes, then clash with nasty Neptune.
Probing questions are asked but you remain obdurate, telling these less than senseless things that they know not what they do. ‘Don’t test me too far,’ you cry, ‘for I have the Power’. Surprisingly, this ominous remark does not dissuade them in the least from their intrusive questions, but only make them keener for the thrust into your very private heart. You prepare yourself to unveil the full force of the Power (say not the ‘full force’, O things of might and mane! None could bear it) to curb the unwitting arrogance of your tormentors.
But, by my little brown bottle, little feline twerps! Something quite unprecedented now occurs. The New Moon comes in neurotic Cancer and your solar twelfth house and you’re suddenly filled with divine love for these poor unfortunate beings. You almost laugh aloud with the humour of it, but then content yourself with a compassionate smile. What harm can they do to you, evolved and enlightened as you are to be the one who bears the burden of the Power? You must use this gift with quiet wisdom. So, of course, you forgive them, even before they have fulfilled the unwitting evil they would work in your life.
Great gods alive and dead, the tears are coming to my own jaundiced eyes at this marvellous scene. I shall have to stop laughing otherwise I will give way to hysteria and be unable to finish my appointed tasks. You smile the ‘all knowing’ smile, the merest waft of the Power, and your captors bid you leave and welcome to it. Hard hearts, locks and doors fall open before the gentle thrust of the Power tamed by divine love. Nasty planets fart in the cosmic winds and you realize your task is not to work, little puling pussy twits! No, indeed! Instead, you are to become the paragon of divine love, a living teacher of the compassionate powers of a loving universe.
Come the Full Moon in lunatic Aquarius (a blue moon they call it, being the second one of the month), you are filled with divine love for all of your fellow beings, no matter how narrow-minded, stupid and un-loving they are! You virtually dance the sacred dance down the boulevard, down to the nearest salon to have your pussy mane coiffured for a life of divine love! What about some rose pink hair gel and a matching chiffon scarf? Gods, I’m feeling ill. In fact, I’m fainting dead away! But fear not, little pussy folk! Next month I shall be Lazarus once more! Until then, hail and farewell!