Hola, hairdressing types! It’s time to coiffure your lives with the vile and bitter gel that drips from the maws of the venomous snakes that are the locks of the prognosticating Gorgon. Hark unto me, my little puling pussies! Hark as you’ve never harked before! It is I, the mouth of Medusa, She of the death-dealing gaze! Look upon her hideous face, you less than senseless things and you will turn to stone! One glance and it will be ‘rock on’ in the most literal sense.
Yea! I am Asperitus, doom-speaking didact and oracle of bitter truth! Last time we left you, you were getting your hair done (again) and radiating divine love to all points of the globe, as you had discovered the compassionate side of the mysterious Power I’ve been waffling on about for several months. Gods, I’m bored with it! But then, I’m bored with everything so I may as well beat it to death yet again in the vain hope that a faint tinge of amusement may play like a ghostly light about my ashen lips! Mischievous Mercury and idiot Uranus clash in the Heavens and persons you pass in the streets give you money. Not because they are intimidated by the Power, as in the days of yore! No, tiny nitwits! This time it’s to get you to go away! Because of the infantile smile you wear on your dial, they’re afraid you’re a dangerous lunatic. However, you mistakenly believe they do this as an act of faith in you and the Power. Sufficiently heeled in the piggy bank department, you will not have to work and so will be free to disport yourself and your brainless serenity across the land.
Great Heavens! Remind me to pull the blinds and lock the doors before I get up so I can be sure not to see you. These tedious occurrences are due to the clash of the great Sol Invicti and nasty Neptune as well as the interminable wrestling match between jolly Jupiter and underworld Pluto. I can’t be bothered explaining things any further. You’ll have to look them up in a book if you’re keen to know! Suffice to say that by the time vamping Venus enters Cancer, you’re wandering about town with an absurd hairdo, giving spiritual healing to strangers, using the ‘laying on of hands’ technique with the occasional flick of a forelock thrown in.
But, by my little brown bottle, what’s this? A startling development develops! Marauding Mars enters neurotic Virgo as mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in that sign and strangers seem to fight for your attention and the touch of your healing paw! In fact, you’ve misread the situation again and they’re fighting to get away from your unhealthy caresses. And, what’s more, they continue to throw money, but now it’s with the hope of striking you down with a missile coin, or at least knocking over that asinine wave you have in the front of your hair. You see, little twerps! No buffet of reality can part you from your misguided view of your own importance in the scheme of things!
A New Moon comes in your insufferable sign and you wave to what you believe is an adoring public. Nay, not public! Following is the word you choose! Marauding Mars and Mercury conjoin to clash with idiot Uranus and the press of people grows so strong about you that you feel tempted for a moment to use the Power in the old manner to clear a path. However, you refrain from that and only broaden your smile, sending many of those around you screaming for cover or the protection of the law. And, I tell you what, little infantile ninnies, it gets worse from here! Mischievous Mercury moves back to your sign and you address the mob in tongues! Wailing and the sounds of gnashing teeth fill the air as the mob stampedes in all directions. A Full Moon comes in wretched Pisces and you’re taken by a vision. You see the air around filled with the spirits of the dead with whom you begin to commune in a strange and affected voice!
Suddenly, vamping Venus clashes with miserable Saturn and strong arms take you from behind, not your favourite method by any means! Is it the gods themselves that have come to uplift you to Heaven? Or is it stern authority come to reprimand you for lunatic behaviour? And, what detectable difference would there be between these two anyway in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods? You’ll have to click here next month and see! Ta! Ta!